Before Blue Eyes
by Soupytwist
Summary: After the events in THE BODY, the Scoobies try to work through their grief while Buffy and Giles discover something about themselves and the relationship between a Slayer and her Watcher.
1. Before Blue Eyes - Part One

As Giles walked in the front door of the Summers' home, he pondered what the next step would be for them. It had been easy to take charge at the morgue. He had been there before, had filled out the paperwork… and it had been difficult, but it had not drained him like this the last time. Jenny's death had broken his heart, but Joyce's death was breaking Buffy's soul and that was breaking him.  
  
He shut the door and turned right, to the sound of Willow's voice.  
  
"I don't know, maybe we should take shifts… Oh, Giles, it's good to see you." The redhead gave him a half-hearted smile.  
  
"Take shifts for what? Patrol?" Giles felt more tired than usual and, as he looked around Buffy's dining room table, he saw that his weariness was not unique. All of the children's faces were drawn, their eyes red-rimmed and their lips dry. However, Buffy and Dawn were not among them. "Where are Dawn and Buffy?"  
  
Xander looked up at Giles, his eyes shifting uneasily and giving a deep sigh, "They're upstairs, having some sister-time, trying to get some sleep. We're trying to figure out how to handle slayer-duty…"  
  
"… And still be here for them at the same time," Willow gave Xander a weak smile as she interrupted, "I mean, they need someone here to help."  
  
Tara walked in from the kitchen with a tray of drinks, and began passing them out, "Hello, Mr. Giles, can I get you something to drink? Tea?"  
  
He looked at Willow's dutiful girlfriend; she was always there, taking care of Willow. And now she was taking care of them all.  
  
"No, thank you, Tara. I think I've had about all of the tea I can take today." She smiled at him shyly and moved away.  
  
Giles looked at them, trying to be adults, trying to fix things, as he walked around the table he took off his glasses and started cleaning them with his handkerchief. "I think it would be best if Xander and I took on patrolling with the rest of you filling out the ranks, but, I'll speak to Buffy first. We need to find out if there's anyone else she wants to notify of Joyce's passing."  
  
Anya looked around, "Who else is there? I mean, we don't know where Riley is."  
  
"I have to call my dad."  
  
Buffy's sudden appearance in the doorway startled the group. Giles walked over to her and, placing his hands on her shoulders, tried to think of what to say. Willow saved him the trouble.  
  
"We thought you and Dawn were resting, Buffy." Willow got up and offered her chair to Buffy but  
  
Buffy, unaware of Willow's offer, moved away from Giles and into the room. Willow sat back down as Buffy leaned on the back of Xander's chair.  
  
"I can't sleep. Dawn just curled up on Mom's bed and cried until she dropped off. I can't even shut my eyes. There's so much to figure out." Buffy wearily rubbed her eyes and sighed.  
  
Giles took a deep breath, "Well, we can take care of contacting any family and friends, and patrols, I think you should focus on yourself right now."  
  
"I can't. Dawn needs me. And I have to call my Dad…" Buffy paused as tears began to well up in her eyes, "a-and I should call my Mom's new boyfriend."  
  
Willow hopped out of her chair and ran to Buffy, "Oh, we'll take care of it, I'll call everyone myself. I promise, Buffy."  
  
Giles gathered both girls up in his arms and led them into the living room, "There are some, um, complicated details we should discuss, Buffy…"  
  
"We'll take care of patrols, Giles, it'll be okay…" Rupert cut Willow off as he sat them all down on the couch.  
  
"Willow, that isn't the matter I wanted to discuss. We have to face the possibility that Hank might get custody of Dawn," Buffy wiped the tears from her eyes and seemed to come out of her haze, "Now, Buffy, I don't know what provisions Joyce's will makes regarding you and Dawn, but it's a distinct possibility. In that case, we may have to explain your unique situation to your father."  
  
"No, he can't take her, he can't protect her from Glory, he doesn't even know her anymore! She needs to stay with me."  
  
"Okay, then, the first step is to find out what your mother's will says…"  
  
"Giles," Willow was angry, "Are you insane? Why are you bringing this up now? Do we really need more bad news right now?"  
  
"Willow, I have to make sure that no matter what, Buffy's duty as The Slayer to Dawn is not left undone. It may seem too soon to think of these things, but we have to prepare for anything, and Buffy is just not ready to handle this herself. So, when you make the phone calls, start with Joyce's lawyer."  
  
Buffy looked at her best friend and sniffed up her tears, "Giles is right, Will, I can't prepare for all of this by myself. Giles is just being my Watcher."  
  
Willow nodded and resigned herself to phone duty, "Buff, did your mom have an address book or something?"  
  
"Yeah, it's in her purse. It's in the hall."  
  
"Okay, I'll start in the morning. Do you want me to call your dad?"  
  
Buffy shook her head, "No, I'll call him, I should call him." Willow, choking back tears, leaned over and hugged Buffy, then walked into the hall.  
  
"Well, Xander and I will head up patrols starting tonight…"  
  
"No, Giles, stay here."  
  
"Buf—" Before he could finish, Buffy grabbed his hand, "Giles, Dawn and I need you here. Please. Stay here tonight." Buffy's tears started again and Giles wrapped his arms around her.  
  
"Buffy, it'll be okay, I'll…" He didn't know how to finish the sentence because he didn't know what he would do. "I'll stay."  
  
Buffy pulled away from him and wiped her face again, "I'm going to go upstairs and check on Dawn."  
  
"Okay, I'll be down here if you need me."  
  
"I always need you, Giles." They both managed weak smiles as Buffy headed upstairs. The others had started gathering in the hall, quietly talking to each other, Giles got up and went over to them.  
  
"Um, Anya and I are gonna' head out, do some patrolling on the way home. Willow, do you and Tara need a ride?"  
  
"Yeah, thanks Xander." Willow paused as she reached for her coat, and looked up at Giles. "Are you going to stay? 'Cause someone should stay and we can if you're not..."  
  
Rupert reached out and gave Willow small squeeze on her shoulder, "Yes, I'm staying, and we should all meet here again tomorrow morning, to discuss things, I suppose."  
  
"What about the magic shop, Giles?" Anya meekly raised her hand, "Will it be open?"  
  
After a small pause of consideration, Rupert shook his head, "No, I think I should close it until further notice. What with everything going on, I think it might be an unnecessary distraction."  
  
Anya caught herself before she said something inappropriate about money, and with reluctant good intentions she volunteered herself, "Okay, I can go by in the morning and put a sign up, or something."  
  
Giles gave her a small smile, "Thank you, Anya."  
  
Anya smiled and hugged Giles, catching him off guard and released him as quickly as she had captured him, "Okay, Xander, let's go home. Goodnight, Giles." Xander and  
  
"Goodnight, everyone." Giles slowly shut the door behind them as they walked out to Xander's car.  
  
He had never thought of himself as a fatherly man, but the affection he felt for these young people couldn't be described as anything else.  
  
They were all the children he would never have.  
  
But they all belonged to someone else, even Buffy. Especially Buffy. She belonged to everyone else, friends and boyfriends stacked up, everyone except him, and he belonged, unrecognized, to her, only. That was how it worked. He breathed out a sigh and leaned his forehead against the door as he thought about these things.  
  
He thought about Joyce, and how readily she accepted Dawn as "The Key" when she realized that Dawn wasn't her daughter. She grabbed onto Dawn as tenaciously as if she had been hers. So different from her reaction finding out that Buffy was the Slayer…those had been hard times, but Buffy and Joyce had gotten through them, gotten through that first difficult year at college and had grown extremely close this past year. And both of them caring for and protecting Dawn had made them both stronger.  
  
He turned to walk up the stairs and noticed a picture of the three Summers women. All smiling. Dawn was so different physically from Joyce and Buffy. The contrast that Dawn provided with her dark hair, wide eyes and full lips was jarring. He hadn't realized it before, how alike Joyce and Buffy were. They had the same eyes. He had seen so many things in those eyes; anger, fear, hate, surprise, wonder, love and even passion.  
  
Staring at that picture, he thought back to that night of reckless youth that he had shared with Joyce. He had thought it was her eyes had drawn him in, but Rupert realized something as he stared at that picture. The eyes he had ascribed to Joyce, the ones he was so convinced were lonely and beckoning, full of admiration and longing, weren't Joyce's eyes at all; they were the eyes that had asked him to stay there that night. He felt something in him break; guilt, surprise and grief kept washing over him, and he had to sit down. Looking up the stairs, his pulse quickened, Buffy had always meant so much to him. He had always wanted to tell her, he had tried to on her 18th birthday, but he couldn't bear to speak to her. He felt too guilty. He always felt too guilty to tell her things she deserved to know. He felt the loss of those lost opportunities, for the years spent in impotent isolation and he grieved for them.  
  
Rupert Giles' grief carried him up the stairs to the door of Buffy's room and he wondered what might keep him there. 


	2. Before Blue Eyes - Part Two

"Buffy?" He spoke softly, his mouth almost touching the wood, "Buffy? Are you there?" He gently knocked on the door this time, and then let his hand fall to the doorknob, turning it, feeling the click and release of the bolt as he pushed it forward. He peered into her room, it was dark and the bed was made, Buffy lay motionless on top of the covers. "Buffy?"  
  
"Hi, Giles." She didn't stir, but her voice came out clearly from the darkness.  
  
Rupert shifted his weight, he felt nervous, "Did I wake you?"  
  
"No, I'm just thinking. About Mom. And Dawn. And my dad. How do you think he'll react?"  
  
Giles moved into the room, leaving the door slightly ajar behind him. Light from the hall spilled through the space, forming a straight line that crossed the floor and rested on Buffy. He could see her face. She wore no expression. Giles moved forward and crossed his arms across his chest.  
  
"Well, Joyce [I]was[/I] his wife at one point, I'm sure that he'll grieve…"  
  
Buffy cut him off without looking at him, "I mean about me being the Slayer. About Dawn being the Key. About you being my Watcher. Do you think he'll flip out like Mom did? Well, like how she flipped out about me." Buffy was aware of the difference in Joyce's reaction to her and Dawn, Rupert thought he detected a bit of hurt in her voice.  
  
Rupert coughed, "I don't know your father, but I imagine that he'll react in an expected manner."  
  
"He'll flip out." Buffy didn't seem in the mood for long-winded explanations. He wasn't surprised, they usually aggravated her, and so he kept his answer concise.  
  
"Yes."  
  
Buffy sighed, "Great."  
  
Giles walked over to the bed and sat at its foot. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees and as he clasped his hands together, he studied the pattern of interlacing fingers.  
  
"Buffy, I don't think that anyone would want to try and take Dawn from you now."  
  
"Except for Glory, Giles. She's still out there looking for The Key. It's only a matter of time before she figures out what's going on and comes after Dawn."  
  
"We won't let her, Buffy. We'll protect Dawn." He said it with such conviction that he surprised himself. He was rarely this sure.  
  
"How? How can I take care of her when I couldn't even take care of my mom? I couldn't protect her, Giles. She died." Buffy's voice was angry. Giles looked up from his hands, and over to Buffy, lying prone, her eyes glassy in the strange light.  
  
"Buffy that had nothing to do with you," He began a hurried explanation, "The aneurysm… "  
  
"…killed her," Buffy sat up, her voice, though angry, was calm. She looked right at Giles and took a deep breath before she spoke. "Her own body killed her. I've saved the world more times than I can count, protected my family from demons and Hellmouths, but in the end, I couldn't protect my mother. There's nothing I could do. There's nothing I can do."  
  
"That's not true. You said it yourself, Buffy, all the times you've saved people…." Buffy just shook her head. A strange half-smile was on her lips; tears had begun to well up in her eyes.  
  
"But life still goes on. People still die in ways that have nothing to do with me, or the life I lead. They have accidents or they get sick… I don't, the Slayer, doesn't affect that at all."  
  
Giles was beginning to understand. He reached out and touched her cheek.  
  
"We make such a big deal about 'The Slayer' and that somehow, I'm more important than other people. Or I have more impact on the world than other people, and I do, it's just a different world and normal people aren't affected by me at all."  
  
His hand was still on her cheek, and Giles leaned forward and kissed her forehead, letting his lips rest there afterwards. Buffy didn't move away, didn't say anything, she was just breathing. He pulled back from her to look at her face, as if a look could tell him what she thought and make him understand.  
  
"I've tried so hard to exist outside of my world and failed. To make the rest of the world accept me on my terms, but I just have to accept it with no terms at all, don't I? I can force things in my world, I can make the Council take me seriously, I can protect Dawn from Glory and I can save the world, but I can still lose everything."  
  
"Yes, but it's no different for anyone else, Buffy, we all stand at tip of a precipice. It's what makes us human. You've always wanted to be normal, to lead a normal life. Life doesn't get anymore normal than this."  
  
"Death is normal," She was sobbing now, barely managing to speak, "So, why bother, Giles? Everybody dies anyway, why even try?"  
  
"That's a very nihilistic way of looking at things." He couldn't help the irritation in his voice. He was tired and she was making this very hard on him.  
  
Her eyes were steely, "I mean it, Giles."  
  
"Well, really, why bother?" His sarcasm was sharp, Buffy flinched as he spoke, "Who cares if Riley gets off with vampires and leaves? Why not let Glory have Dawn? Or let Spike have his way with you? You're just going to die anyway. Just give up!"  
  
"Giles, please…" He had really hurt her with that last volley, he knew it, but she needed to know, too.  
  
"No, Buffy. There won't be an epiphany or words of wisdom that will fix things. Your destiny may be as the Slayer, but everything that you do in this life your choice. None of this is about that. Grieve for your mother, let your friends grieve with you, let me grieve with you."  
  
"I am grieving! How could you say those things to me? Because I'm not a blubbering mess?" But she was a blubbering mess, her face was wet, her nose was running and Giles was pretty sure even her hair was damp. If she weren't so exhausted, she would have thrown herself on the bed and kicked her legs. But she didn't, she just sat holding her arms close to her body, shaking her head.  
  
Rupert spoke so quietly it was barely a breath, "Because I never want to grieve for you, Buffy."  
  
"You know I have no intention of that ever happening!" She was angry that he would assume such a thing.  
  
"Intentions aside, Buffy, I love you and I have realized that I don't think I could…" His voice trailed off as his throat choked with tears…"I don't think I could survive it. I see how strong you are, how even when you let yourself remember that Joyce is dead, your eyes are the same. Your eyes are the same… and you're still Buffy." He pulled off his glasses, and wiped his eyes clear of tears with his handkerchief, she was being quiet. She hadn't said anything, he wasn't even sure if she had even taken a breath. He wished she would reach out to him, or speak. He put his glasses back on and looked at her. Her eyes were focused squarely on him.  
  
"Are you okay, Giles?"  
  
"No, I'm not. I've been feeling very guilty about some things that involved your mother and you. And my behavior. I'm not proud of it, and I need to tell you how I feel."  
  
"I thought you just did, you love me, I look like my mom, it makes you sad," Buffy was trying to cut through the complexities of emotions Giles was feeling, to boil it down for him, "I understand Giles, and I know that you had feelings for my mom…"  
  
"No, Buffy, I didn't. That's what I'm trying to tell you, what I've tried to tell you before…"  
  
"Giles, you slept with her! I know!" Buffy was actually kind of smiling now, kind of an incredulous smile, as if this was the one thing of which she could be sure, "You can't lie to me about that. I heard you both think about it."  
  
"Buffy, I slept with your mother, but I didn't have feelings for her. I didn't love her. But you two have the same eyes and she was looking at me…" Buffy seemed frozen, but he couldn't stop himself, couldn't even pretend to gauge her reaction, he looked at the bedspread instead because he had to get it out, "…she was looking at me the way I wanted you to look at me. The way you looked at me tonight when you asked me to stay." He looked up at her, to see if she was shocked or angry. "I'm in love with you, Buffy. I have been for a long time."  
  
Buffy looked like she was at a loss for words, or at the verge of tears, and she took a deep breath. "I can't believe you saw that in me. Giles, there's nothing more that I want right now than for you to make me feel good. Please." 


	3. Before Blue Eyes - Part Three

Rupert Giles is sitting on the edge of the bed in Buffy Summers' bedroom, across from Buffy Summers. Rupert Giles is Buffy Summers' Watcher. Buffy Summers' is a Vampire Slayer. Rupert Giles is almost twice the age of Buffy Summers. Rupert Giles takes care of Buffy Summers. Rupert Giles gives Buffy Summers the love and support she needs and can't get anywhere else. He lives for the sole purpose of watching over her. Rupert Giles is Buffy Summers' Knight Protector. He loves her.  
  
Rupert Giles, Watcher, was sitting on the edge of the bed in Buffy Summers' bedroom, across from Buffy Summers, Vampire Slayer. Now he is standing in front of her, trying to think of something to say.  
  
"Giles? Aren't you going to say anything? You have to talk, it's not like I can take back what I just said."  
  
Backing away from her, Giles tried to explain himself, "Buffy, I don't know why I came up here to see you. I knew what I saw, but I don't know what my intent was…"  
  
"Yes, you do." Buffy had a steely determination on her face, she turned her body towards him, leaning forward on her forearms, challenging him. "You wanted to tell me how you feel, and when you realized that I wanted you, too, you acted on it." Giles took another step backward and a deep breath.  
  
"You've just lost your mother… you're grieving, I shouldn't be here, not like this."  
  
"Yes like this, this is the way you should be here…." Her voice was getting scratchy as her eyes began to tear up again.  
  
"You don't want this Buffy, you don't love me… you're upset."  
  
"Don't love you?" She sounded surprised and confused, as if the thought hadn't crossed her mind. "Is this about love?"  
  
Giles looked at the floor, "For me it is. That's what I was trying to tell you."  
  
At his words, Buffy took a deep shuddering breath, and looked at him. She was prepared for sex and sadness, but not love.  
  
"I don't know if I love you that way. But, I do want you."  
  
He looked at her intently, trying to see past the swollen, red eyes, "Why do you want me?"  
  
"Why?" She seemed scared of the word, it was barely audible to his ears, he saw her say it more than anything, "Why? Because you're Giles, Giles, because you're safe, strong and reliable, because you won't leave me. What difference does it make?"  
  
Giles walked toward Buffy and resumed his seat on the bed; he put his hand on her cheek, and spoke very softly to her.  
  
"That difference means something to me, because I know that I love you. I wouldn't change anything about you, and I need you to feel the same way about me. It needs to be the beginning of something, Buffy, not just a moment of passion. And you're still coping with losing Riley and now you, you have to deal with this."  
  
Buffy was crying now, not sobs, but silent tears that wet Giles' hand rolled down his arm to his elbow. She spoke as if she were choking the words out. She couldn't take her eyes off him.  
  
"I don't know if I can handle this without you, and if not loving you means losing you, I can't…" Rupert flinched, "but you need to know that I didn't love Riley. I wanted to, I should have, but I didn't."  
  
At her admission, the tension eased out of his body, "You didn't?"  
  
He slid his hand down to the back of her neck and put his other hand on her waist. They had never been this close before. The physical intimacy that he anticipated frightened and aroused him.  
  
Buffy shuddered, "No."  
  
The hand on her waist moved to the small of her back, his body drawing closer and his mouth next her ear. He began whispering to her, "And you need me?"  
  
His face buried in her hair, her hands resting on his shoulders…  
  
"Yes. I do need you, Giles. I can't do this alone."  
  
His lips burning her neck, her face, her lips… "Do you love me?"  
  
His eyes were searching hers, and Buffy met his gaze, looking for her own clues. She lowered her lashes, "Yes. I do love you."  
  
Rupert kissed her again, gently, as if he were testing the validity of her statement. Buffy responded, touching his face, his neck, and his chest, opening her mouth to his.  
  
Giles got up from the bed and shut the door, and flooded the room with darkness. 


	4. Before Blue Eyes - Part Four

There was barely any light coming through the windows, it was cool and blue. Buffy was still and quiet as Giles laid her back on the bed and kissed her. She reacted calmly, slowly and thoughtfully to Giles' touch, rising up slowly to meet his kisses, breathing deeply, gently stroking his hair and neck.  
  
Giles was nervous, he was so happy to be here with her that every touch seemed new and arousing. He didn't know how long they had lain there kissing and holding each other when he finally decided to touch Buffy's bare skin. Not a shoulder or her face, her real unseen skin, her stomach, he slid his hand up her shirt slowly and let it rest on her waist above her hip. It was electric. They hummed silently, and trembled as Giles began sliding his hand up Buffy's torso. The couple pulled away only to be drawn farther into each other, clothes began to disappear, kisses became urgent pleas for action.  
  
Buffy had always felt small to Giles and even when they sparred, she seemed fragile. Now she felt like his equal, her strength and energy matching his size and experience. Buffy followed Giles pace, slow and deliberate, absorbing him and the moments with joy. He never wanted to leave this night, this bed, this woman, and he made every attempt to stay forever. Nevertheless, Buffy couldn't stay, so he left with her, following her quick breaths and low moans into a peaceful, sound sleep.  
  
  
  
  
  
He woke the next morning cradling Buffy, whose arm was wrapped around his torso, and their legs tangled together. He breathed her in and squeezed her, then checked the time as she stirred.  
  
"Good morning, Buffy."  
  
"What time is it?" Her eyes were still closed tight, but a look of consternation had passed over her previously sweet and peaceful face.  
  
"Seven."  
  
She squeezed her eyes shut tighter, "In the morning?"  
  
"Yes, which is why one generally says 'Good Morning.'"  
  
"Very funny."  
  
Giles took a pause and looked at Buffy, he knew that they would have to talk about everything all over again. She would have to remember.  
  
He spoke again, a little less softly, "Buffy."  
  
She rolled over and moved away from him, pulling the blankets up to her head, "What?"  
  
"We need to get up, we're meeting with everyone shortly, and we'll have to set up a meeting with your mother's attorney."  
  
"Oh, no, Giles…" Buffy's eyes popped open, and a look of horror crossed her face, "What did we do last night? My mom… How could I forget? I forgot to call my dad." She pulled away from him and rolled out of bed, grabbing his shirt from the floor and throwing it on, Giles noticed that it hung almost to her knees.  
  
Buffy was frantic. She also seemed a little more ground in reality this morning than she had last night. Giles slid himself to the edge of the bed and reached out to her. She came to him and he held her close, finger combing her hair.  
  
"Buffy, we can take care of that, it's all right. Right now, I'm more concerned about Dawn. I think she's already downstairs."  
  
Buffy pulled away and looked at him wide-eyed, "Dawn's already awake?"  
  
"I believe so, so unless your first order of business is to tell everyone about what we did last night, I suggest that you wear something other than my shirt."  
  
"Yes, not your shirt…" Buffy started to unbutton it and then paused, "Um, Giles, could you turn around?"  
  
"Five seconds ago you were prancing around in the nude." However, Giles turned around without anymore complaining, gathered up his clothes and began dressing.  
  
He could hear Buffy rustling through her closet, "How are we going to get downstairs without Dawn noticing?"  
  
"We'll walk downstairs like everything is normal."  
  
"Like everything is normal?"  
  
"As if nothing unusual has happened."  
  
"Okay, you can turn around now," As he turned around Giles saw that Buffy was wearing sweats and a t-shirt and that she looked tired, her voice was getting tremulous, "Do you think your plan will work?"  
  
"Well, not really, but it's the best I can do right now." Rupert sat down on the bed, a little unsure of what to do. He wanted to old Buffy and tell her how much he loved her, how amazed he was by her and how happy he was that they had slept together last night. He wanted to kiss her again, and touch her warm skin.  
  
"Giles," Buffy was looking at him intently, but fidgeted with the hem of her shirt nervously, "Thank you."  
  
She was even more unsure of how to act than he was. Rupert had to remind himself of Buffy's other relationships, especially of Angelus, and how no matter how kind her other lovers were, she would always suspect a monster lurked underneath.  
  
"No, Buffy, thank you." He got up and walked over to her, and held her close. "I love you."  
  
"I love you, too," She took a deep, ragged breath and sighed, "but I feel bad for wanting to not hurt anymore."  
  
"I know, but it is okay to feel emotions other than grief."  
  
Buffy was starting to cry again, her breaths were short and pained.  
  
"I can't lose you, Giles, I can't pretend I don't need you."  
  
Rupert realized that she was talking about later, in front of the gang and Dawn, when any open affection between them would be suspicious.  
  
"You won't have to, Buffy, don't worry. I'll be there for you. I promise." 


	5. Before Blue Eyes - Part Five

Giles had been correct, the door to Joyce's room was open and the bed was made, and Dawn's room was in the same condition. As he and Buffy stood at the top of the stairs, clasping hands, they could hear Dawn rustling around in the kitchen.  
  
"What do you think she's doing?" Giles was nervous, he was whispering and he couldn't seem to let go of Buffy's hand.  
  
"She's probably making some breakfast. We should probably go help her." Buffy started down the steps, then stopped, and looked at the hand that she was holding, kissed it and let go.  
  
Buffy was already in the kitchen before Giles had started down the stairs.  
  
Just as Giles was reaching the foot of the stairs, the doorbell rang. Through the glass, he could see a bobbing orange blob, and he felt relief that Willow was the first to arrive. Dawn came running around the corner from the dining room, and almost ran Giles down.  
  
"Giles!" Dawn smiled sadly at him, but managed to squeeze out a giggle, "I didn't know you were down yet."  
  
An embarrassed smile grew upon his face, "Yes, well, I couldn't sleep the day away, we've got a lot to do." He couldn't look at her, he was sure that she would know what he had done.  
  
"Are you getting it?" Dawn made a small gesture toward the door with her hands.  
  
"Wha..?"  
  
"The door?" Dawn pointed in the direction of the bobbing orange blob.  
  
"You can get it, I'm going to get some tea."  
  
Giles walked towards the kitchen and heard Dawn mumble something under her breath about the English and tea.  
  
  
  
  
  
Buffy was standing in front of the open refrigerator door. She pulled out a pitcher of orange juice and turned around. She smiled at him.  
  
"Good morning, Giles, OJ?"  
  
"I prefer something a little stronger." At Buffy's somewhat disgusted look, Rupert realized she thought he was referring to something alcoholic. "Do you have any tea?"  
  
Buffy held the pitcher in both hands, looking around the kitchen, "Mom doesn't, didn't have, had," Buffy took a deep breath as she corrected herself," anything but herbal tea. Is that okay?"  
  
"I need some caffeine this morning, do you have coffee?"  
  
Buffy's face lost a little bit of its glow, as her eyes focused behind Giles, "Coffee, yeah."  
  
Giles looked over his shoulder and smiled weakly at Willow as she entered the room.  
  
Buffy went over to hug her friend, "Hi, Will. Do you want coffee?"  
  
"Nope, To-Go-Cup." She raised her left hand to reveal a cup of The Espresso Pump's finest brew. Dawn came bounding in behind Willow, and Giles briefly pondered the ability of teenage girls to 'bound' in any situation. Buffy used to "bound" around, too, but not anymore. Not for a long time.  
  
"Where's Tara?" Giles was surprised at her absence; Tara had become a regular fixture at Willow's side and a regular fixture in their lives by proxy.  
  
"She'll be by later, 7 AM was a little to early for her. We were up kind of late making calls."  
  
Silence seemed to creep in unexpectedly, and Buffy finally set the pitcher down and started to make the coffee.  
  
"So," Willow's tone revealed that she would be discussing the business of the day, and trying to get a plan formed up before the arrival of the others, "I got a hold of Joyce's lawyer last night, and set up a meeting for later this morning at eleven. I spoke with Joyce's business partner in the gallery and she said to call her if you need anything and that she'd take care of the gallery for now. I couldn't tell by names in the address book who was family, so I thought maybe your dad could help…"  
  
"Did you call Dad yet, Buffy?" Dawn spoke slowly as if she wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer.  
  
"No, I couldn't do it last night," Dawn looked disappointed at Buffy's news, "I could barely talk last night, and I wanted you to be able to talk to him if you wanted."  
  
Giles looked at them and cleared his throat, "I think, Buffy, that you and Dawn should call your father and tell him about your mother. Let him know that you're meeting Joyce's lawyer this morning and that you'll need help contacting family. If you need me to speak with him, I'll be in here."  
  
"Okay, c'mon Dawn, let's go see if Dad is home."  
  
"Okay."  
  
As the two Summers girls walked out of the kitchen, Giles wondered what decision would be made regarding Dawn. He knew that she needed to be with Buffy, but had Joyce made those arrangements?  
  
  
  
  
  
Upstairs in Joyce's room, Buffy and Dawn sat on the bed, with the phone in between them, staring at it.  
  
"It's kind of weird to be sitting here." Dawn was looking around uncomfortably, sitting Indian-style and keeping her elbows tucked in.  
  
"Weird doesn't even begin to describe it. Surreal, freaky, wrong, those are words that seem to describe this."  
  
"Buffy, can I ask you something before we call, Dad?"  
  
"Of course, Dawn, anything."  
  
"And you'll be honest?"  
  
"Yes, I'll be honest."  
  
"Do you think Dad will try and take me away?"  
  
"I don't know. Part of me thinks that he'll automatically want to come get both of us and take us away from all this." Buffy paused and looked a little sad, "I don't think he will, though. He might just come for you, but he won't come for me. And even if he did, I can't go and I can't let him take you."  
  
"'Cause I'm 'The Key' and you have to protect me, right?" Dawn rolled her eyes, but Buffy could tell that it still hurt Dawn to know she wasn't "real." Buffy took Dawn's hand into her own.  
  
"No, I can't let him take you because you're my sister. Dawn, I don't have any family left, if you go, I'm alone."  
  
"You have Giles."  
  
Buffy smiled and now it was her turn to roll her eyes. "That's different. That's not family."  
  
"How is that different from family? He takes care of you and stuff." Dawn shrugged her shoulders. "He's your watcher."  
  
"Him being my watcher doesn't mean that he'll automatically take care of me. He does that because he cares about me."  
  
Dawn looked confused, "I don't get it."  
  
"It's complicated, kind of like things with Dad, he's family because he acted like a dad when we were little, but just because he's our Dad doesn't make him take care of us now. It's like that with Slayers and Watchers, Watchers train Slayers, prepare them for fighting the undead and demons, but that doesn't mean that they care about the Slayer. Just look at the Council. They couldn't care less about me. I'm all that Giles cares about."  
  
Dawn offered a tentative theory to Buffy, "So, Giles is a better Watcher than the rest of them."  
  
"Kind of, it's more like he's surpassed being just a Watcher. He does more than train and take care of me. We're at the same level, almost. Only we compliment each other, he has the brains and I have the brawn. He's not above me and I'm not below him, we're a team."  
  
"So, Giles being your watcher is besides the point, because you're friends, like you and Will."  
  
"Exactly, but even more so."  
  
"Can I ask you another question, Buffy?"  
  
"Just one more, we really need to call Dad." Buffy really didn't want to stop talking to Dawn, this was nice, they didn't talk like very often, and she was feeling pretty good about how things were going. The thought of calling her dad and telling him about her mom was scary. She didn't know if she could do it without getting sick.  
  
"Did Giles stay here last night?" Dawn's question interrupted Buffy's unpleasant thoughts, and caught her a bit off guard.  
  
"Yes, why?" Buffy could handle this, nothing shocking about Giles staying there, so why did her face feel like it was on fire?  
  
"Well, I got up at five this morning, and there wasn't anybody in my room or in the living room…"  
  
Buffy couldn't keep her eyes from opening up like headlights. How was she going to play this off? "He slept on my floor. I was scared to be alone. He slept on my floor."  
  
"Oh, okay." Dawn looked away; she seemed embarrassed for Buffy. "We should call Dad."  
  
"Yeah…"  
  
Buffy picked up the phone and sighed as she dialed the number. Dawn strained to hear the ringing, and they both froze as a voice said 'Hello' at the other end.  
  
"Hi, Dad, it's Buffy and Dawn, Dawn's here, too…. Yeah, I know it has been a while; you're usually traveling when we call… Well, we have some bad news." Buffy's eyes were beginning to sting with tears, and Dawn already had tears rolling down her cheeks, "Dad, that's great, but… Dad, Mom died yesterday." Buffy choked on a sob, "She had an aneurysm and she's dead… complications from the tumor. There wasn't anything we could do. It was supposed to be instant, no pain… Yeah, Dawn's right here."  
  
Buffy handed the phone over to Dawn, got up off the bed and walked out into the hall. She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. When she opened them, Giles was standing at the head of the stairs.  
  
"I came to check on you." He looked so pained, so desperate to come to her, but afraid to do anything.  
  
"Oh, Giles…" Buffy walked over to him and sank into his arms, "What are we going to do?"  
  
Before Giles could answer, Dawn came out of the bedroom with the phone in her hand, "Buffy? Dad wants to talk to you."  
  
Buffy abruptly pulled away from Giles and took the phone from Dawn, wiping away her tears she spoke to her father. She spoke too quietly for Giles or Dawn to hear, but they both remained uncomfortably silent until the beep of the cordless phone told them the call was over.  
  
Buffy was looking at floor and taking deep breaths. Dawn looked over at her and asked what both she and Giles were thinking.  
  
"Is he coming? Is he going to be here?" Dawn could barely choke out the words, for fear of what the answer might be.  
  
"He'll be here tomorrow," Buffy gave Dawn a hug, and smoothed her hair, "He's staying at a hotel. He'll be by around noon."  
  
"Did he say anything about me?" Dawn asked the question with some reserve.  
  
"He said we'd talk about it tomorrow. I told him we were going to see the lawyer today, he said we could talk about that too, but that he'd probably want to meet with her anyway." Buffy looked up and had a distant look in her eyes, which were glassy from her tears. "Giles, I'm scared."  
  
Dawn looked back and forth between Giles and Buffy and, sobbing, asked, "What's going to happen to us?" 


	6. Before Blue Eyes - Part Six

Willow walked into the living room, and looked at Buffy and Dawn curled up on the couch together, it was nine-thirty. Tara, Anya and Xander had arrived about a half an hour ago and were hanging around the kitchen with Giles.  
  
"Hey, guys." Willow tried not to be intrusive, but she needed to talk to Buffy. She and Dawn were looking through the photo albums that were piled around the room.  
  
Buffy looked up, "Hi, Will, how goes the phone drill?"  
  
"Well, I've called everyone that you marked as family, and your Great Aunt Bethany can't come, she's too sick, but she's calling everyone else. I spoke to the people at the funeral home and all you have to do is go by there sometime this afternoon and make some decisions about the service."  
  
"Thanks, Will."  
  
"Buffy, I didn't mention it earlier, because I wasn't sure how to, but, I put an obituary in the paper today. I thought it would be important, since the service is happening so soon, to have it in the paper… Are you mad?" Willow was worried that Buffy would get angry about her taking charge of something so personal, and even more so for how she had executed it.  
  
Buffy's eyes began to water, "Did you write it?"  
  
Willow took a deep breath and sighed, "No, actually, Tara did."  
  
"Tara? But she hardly knew my mom." Surprise drove the tears from Buffy's eyes, she looked from Dawn to Willow, "What could she have to say?"  
  
"Well, that was the thing, she asked me like five questions about your mom and wrote it."  
  
Willow pulled out a copy of that day's obituary section and held it out to Buffy. "I think she did a really good job."  
  
Buffy grabbed the paper out of Willow's hand and read it while Willow waited silently for her to turn in a verdict, "Will, where's Tara?"  
  
Buffy's voice was steely and her face showed no emotion. Willow began to fear for her girlfriend.  
  
"She's in the kitchen… Buffy, she meant well, I thought it was good…" Willow's defenses of Tara fell on deaf ears as Buffy got up and walked through the front hall to the kitchen. Dawn and Willow exchanged frightened looks, but they didn't hear the yelling they expected. They heard a very emotional Buffy break down in sobs as she thanked the blonde witch. "Tara? Thank you for writing this…"  
  
"Wow, I thought she was going to freak." Willow sank down onto the couch next to Dawn, "How are you doing?"  
  
"It doesn't seem real." Dawn was focusing on a picture of Joyce when she was much younger, about Buffy's age, "Moms don't just die."  
  
"Yeah," Willow looked around, "I know what you mean."  
  
"Willow, can I ask you something?" Dawn was being quiet and kept looking over Willow toward the kitchen, like she wanted to get this out before Buffy came back.  
  
"Sure, Dawnie, ask away…" Willow smiled to be reassuring, but it made her look nervous instead.  
  
"What do you think of Giles?" Relief spread over Willow's face at the mention of her mentor. This was easy, not some question about the afterlife or lack of one, like she had feared.  
  
"I love Giles. He watched out for us in high school. Giles is one of the trust-worthiest grown-ups I know. Even if he wears tweed."  
  
Dawn scrunched up her nose, "Is that what they call that stuff?"  
  
Willow reached out and tousled Dawn's hair, "Goofball…"  
  
Tara walked into the living room, trailed by Anya and Xander, interrupting the quiet moment between the friends. They arranged themselves around the living room, and Anya's eyes kept darting from face to face. With no one talking, Willow became nervous and tried to start a conversation.  
  
"What did Buffy think of the obituary?" Too late, she realized her question was not the good conversation starter she had hoped for.  
  
"She thought it was fine, she thanked me for it." Tara smiled at Willow and scooted closer to her.  
  
"Good, I wasn't sure how'd she react … where is she?"  
  
Tara's face went a little gray, "Still in the kitchen with Mr. Giles. The obituary really hit her hard."  
  
Xander gave a half grin and looked at Dawn, trying to keep her mind off of the bad things at hand, "The kitchen just isn't cool enough for us anymore. We needed a place with a more happenin' clientele."  
  
Dawn turned her head towards a picture of Joyce on the end table, "They're talking about me aren't they?"  
  
Tara leaned over and picked up a photo album, "Why don't we look at some pictures? That'll be nice."  
  
  
  
"I love you, Giles." The whisper in his ear was shocking; it seemed to fill the room. He found himself half-moaning back to her, "Oh, Buffy…"  
  
She pulled away and walked around the kitchen island, slowly ticking off fingers and list items as she went, with each item taking away some of her speed.  
  
"We have to meet the lawyer at eleven, go to the funeral home, and get ready for Dad." She sighed and looked at him, "Why is there so much to do, Giles?"  
  
Rupert recovered slowly from their embrace, pulling out his glasses and cleaning them, avoiding her eyes. "I'll help with whatever I can, Buffy, but keeping busy is not necessarily a bad thing right now."  
  
"Well, it's almost ten, Dawn and I need to get ready to go. Willow and Tara are going to stay here and hold down the fort. So, you can come with us if you want to."  
  
"No, I should go home and clean up," he took a deep breath and put his glasses back on, "You can call me later if you need anything." He walked to the island and gave Buffy a quick hug and kiss on the cheek, still fearful of being found out and still fearful of not being able to let go.  
  
"Okay, thank you, Giles." She held his eyes then, for what seemed like hours, and the blush that crept over them both finally made Buffy lower her gaze. "I'll call you later."  
  
Rupert cleared his throat, "Yes, please do. I'll be home all day, let me know if you need me to come over."  
  
Giles walked out of the kitchen and down the front hall, he looked into the living room to see the children looking through the photo albums of Dawn, Buffy and Joyce. All of their backs were turned to him, so he quietly grabbed his coat from the rack and walked out the front door before they could catch him in a conversation.  
  
Buffy walked down the front hall and stared at the freshly closed front door.  
  
Willow turned around and saw her friend staring at the door, "Buffy? Was that Giles?" When she didn't respond, but just stood with her arms crossed, Willow tried again, her voice heavy with concern, "Buffy?"  
  
Buffy shook her head and looked into the living room, "Uh, yeah, Will?"  
  
Willow got up and went over to her, "Was that Giles, is he okay?"  
  
"Yeah, he's fine. He just needed to go home and clean up." Buffy looked at Dawn, "Speaking of which, Dawn, we need to get ready to see the lawyer."  
  
"Buffy, do I have to go?" Dawn was reluctant to leave the house and the comfort of familiar things, "You can find out just easily without me there."  
  
Buffy didn't want to argue, but couldn't help the irritation in her voice. "Dawn, no arguments please, I need you to go."  
  
"But I want to stay here!" Buffy couldn't stand the whining, or the idea of getting into all the reasons the she wanted, no, needed Dawn to go, so she snapped at her sister.  
  
"Dawn! Go get ready!"  
  
Dawn jumped up and ran angrily up the stairs, emphasizing each step.  
  
Buffy gave a pointed look to her friends, "Don't. Say. Anything." And with that, she turned and walked up the stairs.  
  
* * * * *  
  
The lawyer's office was decorated in rich dark woods; Giles would know what kind, thought Buffy. She and Dawn sat opposite from the lawyer, in two identical chairs. They looked like the couples on TV who were visiting the doctor to find out if they were having a baby, waiting for some kind of news, good or bad.  
  
"Hello, Ms. Summers, I went over your mother's will this morning. I think you'll be pleased to know that Joyce prepared for this set of circumstances, both recently and a while ago. So, all of your needs should be met by the arrangements she made."  
  
Buffy was jarred by the use of the word 'pleased' – and her 'needs should be met' – what was going on here?  
  
"Um, I'm sure everything is in order, but we're mostly concerned about Dawn."  
  
The lawyer looked a little confused by Buffy's comment, "I'm sorry, Ms. Summers, but I'm not sure what you're asking. What about Dawn concerns you?"  
  
Buffy couldn't help but chuckle and smirk, "Who has custody of Dawn?"  
  
"That isn't established in your mother's will…"  
  
"What?" Buffy had thought for sure, out of everything, that her mother would have made sure to leave specific instructions about Dawn's care. Had she misread her mother during all of those serious talks about "taking care of Dawn?"  
  
"Please, Ms. Summers, let me finish," The lawyer had taken on an air of comfort and authority, she obviously knew what she was doing, "Dawn is 14 years old. According to California law, in the event of the divorce or death of parents, as long as an appropriate guardianship is established, for example: a relative of age who provides a stable home environment, Dawn can choose her guardian. It's her choice. Your mother assumed that Dawn would want you as her guardian, she had all of the paperwork drawn up," the lawyer pulled a small stack of papers out of a manila folder, " and all that remains is for you both to sign them and get them notarized. We can file them tomorrow, and barring any dispute, in 24 hours you will be Dawn's legal guardian."  
  
Buffy took Dawn's hand, and sighed. "Well, Dawn, you heard her. It's your choice."  
  
Dawn looked at Buffy and said, "There's a first time for everything." 


	7. Before Blue Eyes - Part Seven

"So, she files the paperwork tomorrow and it'll be official." Buffy's knees were tucked up under her chin as she hugged her legs to her torso. He was the one being conservative this evening, in his fuzzy bathrobe, while she was still naked from their lovemaking. Rupert Giles mind wandered as Buffy continued talking about the day's events. The soft light of the bedside lamp made her glow. He could hardly believe that she was here.  
  
Buffy's arrival at his apartment that evening wasn't so much a surprise as much as a matter of timing. They had both silently asked themselves questions: When would she be able to get out of the house? Would she really go see him? Would she be able to go on patrol alone? Would Dawn let Buffy leave? Would she want to?  
  
In the end, she had managed to get away on the excuse of needing some alone time to walk around and go patrolling; Anya and Xander had agreed to watch Dawn. She didn't really need to be sneaky. A visit to Giles' apartment was not out of the ordinary, but because the reason was bizarre and secret, he might as well have been Spike.  
  
For Giles, the knock on his door was all the permission he had needed to pick up where they had left off. He opened the door, looked into her eyes and knew what she wanted from him. Giles wordlessly invited her in and closed the door, sweeping her into his arms in almost the same motion. He couldn't find her kiss fast enough. So much unspoken passion spilling out from them, it took an hour to find the bed, murmured names and affections IloveyouBuffylovemeGilesBuffyIloveyouGilesIloveyouloveme drowning out the call of responsibility and duty, destroying all of their senses, leaving them in a space filled with nothing but the other. This was possession. This was ecstasy.  
  
This was very unusual, thought Giles. He had been under the influence of many natural and unnatural, illicit and ill-advised things during the sexual encounters of his youth, and nothing compared to the feeling of making love to Buffy.  
  
As he walked around the bedroom, Buffy told him about the meeting with the lawyer, and as he wondered if it was always like that for her, he must have wondered aloud because Buffy had stopped talking and was looking at him.  
  
"Is what always like what? Lawyer's offices always full of wood?" Buffy looked at him expectantly and pulled the bed sheet over herself as she rose from his bed and moved toward his chest of drawers. She picked up his glasses and began studying them, turning them over, testing the springs, not looking at him.  
  
"No, is, um… this is much more difficult than I anticipated…"  
  
"What, Giles?" Buffy looked a little frightened and suddenly very vulnerable wrapped in his bed sheet. "Are you telling me that I shouldn't be here? Giles, I don't want to go home and I've got no place else to go."  
  
Rupert Giles walked over to her and leaned on his chest of drawers for support. He had said something wrong. He had scared her. "No, Buffy, I just wanted to ask you something."  
  
"So ask me." She looked up at him, unemotional and full of resolve. Rupert Giles felt horrible, he tried to rationalize that she wasn't really so young and that he wasn't really so old, and if he could have sex with her that he should be able to talk about it, but none of that seemed to matter when he looked at her. He couldn't help but be flustered.  
  
"Um, is it always like that for you?" The look on Buffy's face told him nothing; she was still trying to leap from bad news to sex. She handed Giles his glasses, and he absent-mindedly began cleaning them with the edge of his bathrobe. He was just going to spit it out.  
  
"When you have s-s-s-ex, is it always that intense?" He was suddenly caught by the idea that maybe that wasn't intense to her, that he had been a victim of wishful thinking and now she had no idea what he was talking about. "Forget that I even asked, Buffy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you and it's none of my…"  
  
"No. It's not that intense... ever. I mean, it wasn't last night, I mean, it was intense, but not…" She was blushing; it was becoming clear that Buffy was going to have to reveal her sexual past. Angel had been her first, and while it had felt amazing, Riley, and even Parker, had surpassed Angel as lovers. But she hadn't needed to acknowledge it before, Riley had needed constant reassuring, but that was more about his ego than about how satisfying their relationship in bed was. "No, not like just now. I've never felt that way while I made love before."  
  
Rupert Giles smiled shyly at his lover and touched her cheek. "Buffy, I've never felt anything like that either. We could speculate why, what with the whole Watcher/Slayer aspect of this, it probably is something metaphysical, but I'd rather not. I'd rather have it just be about us."  
  
"Me too, Giles, at least, now, for a while… What time is it?"  
  
"It's about nine o'clock… do you have to go?" He had hoped, foolishly he knew, that she would stay the night. He wanted to feel her wake in his arms again, but knew it would be a long time before that could happen. He pulled her closer to him.  
  
"No, I just shouldn't stay out too long. Anya and Xander are watching Dawn and I'm only supposed to be patrolling" She smiled, "but maybe, that's something we could both do?"  
  
"Why go out, when we can stay in," He leaned for ward and kissed her, pulling the sheet away as he coaxed her back onto the bed.  
  
  
  
Xander and Anya were sitting in the dining room together reading, when a quiet knock at the kitchen door made them both turn their heads.  
  
Anya turned to Xander and smiled, "Do you think it's the delivery man with more flowers?"  
  
Xander put down his copy of Avengers #57, and turned toward the kitchen door, "Doesn't he usually come to the front door?"  
  
"Maybe he got lost and now the flowers, possibly roses, are wilting…" Anya nodded her head, her hair bouncing in anticipation.  
  
"Or, it's a certain peroxide friendly blood sucker come to take advantage…" Xander felt himself getting angry; he almost crushed his near mint Silver Age comic.  
  
"But Willow and Tara did the uninvitation spell…" Xander quickly cut off Anya's protest.  
  
"Which is why he's knocking, he needs an invitation, which if he thinks he can get one from me, he's sorely mistaken."  
  
They heard the kitchen door creaking open behind them, and a small scuffle.  
  
"HEY! Since when am I not invited?"  
  
Anya gave her boyfriend a look that was both surprised and curious, "Xander, that doesn't sound like Spike."  
  
Xander turned around and seeing who was standing at the door, smiled at his girlfriend, "Your keen power of observation comes in handy once again, my sweet."  
  
"Hello, are you going to invite me in?" The fellow at the door was beginning to get agitated.  
  
Anya shrunk slightly at the hostility, "We don't know if he's evil, he could be evil, you told me he did that sometimes…" Xander nodded pointedly at that observation.  
  
"Yeah, you could be evil and coming here to relish in our grief!"  
  
"Xander, I am not evil, it's me, Angel! Where's Buffy? She'll let me in."  
  
"Buffy's not here, she's out on patrol. You'll have to go find her if you want in."  
  
"I came in through the graveyards. Buffy isn't out on patrol anywhere, I assumed she'd be here."  
  
Xander looked a little miffed, and felt a little worried, "You must not have looked hard enough, because she's out on patrol."  
  
"The testosterone levels here are very exciting. Don't stop."  
  
"Anya, not now, I'm trying to get this turkey to leave."  
  
"I know what to do!" Anya got up out of her chair and closed the back door, "And I'll lock it to guard against further interruptions."  
  
Outside, Angel had to resign himself to either waiting there for Buffy to get home, or to wandering around Sunnydale. He took off in the direction of the graveyards again, hoping he had just missed her his first time through.  
  
  
  
It was almost midnight when Buffy finally left Giles' apartment. She decided to cut through the graveyards on her way home, slay some vamps if there were any out and about, and get some well-deserved sleep. Or was it well deserved? The last few days had been surreal. There had been so much pain and grief. And love. She had turned to Giles for strength, for hope. He had offered much more, and she had accepted. To feel anything other than this sadness that weighed her down was welcome, but when she looked at Dawn it almost crushed the air out of her.  
  
Earlier, she woke from dreams gasping for air. Reaching for someone that wasn't there, whispering "Mommy…" into her pillow and Giles had been there to hold her, to make her feel safe for a moment. She hadn't expected to desire him, to crave his touch the way she did. But when they were wrapped together she could forget everything she wanted and be satisfied with what she had.  
  
And then Dawn would look at her, and Buffy would feel empty and scared again.  
  
"Buffy?" The unexpected sound of her name made Buffy jump into a fighting stance.  
  
"Ah! Jeeze!" She had been so lost in thought she hadn't heard or seen Angel walking toward her… "Angel?" 


	8. Before Blue Eyes - Part Eight

"Are you okay?"  
  
"Oh, Angel!" Buffy fell against him without thinking; she was looking for something familiar, the cold embrace from her past, when life was easy and slaying was hard. She was crying, again, and Angel did nothing but stroke her hair and kiss her forehead. He held her quietly until she was ready to let go. They stood on the edge of the graveyard for a few minutes before Buffy spoke.  
  
Buffy looked up at Angel, a little confused to see him, "Willow called you?"  
  
Angel shifted, a little surprised by Buffy's surprise, "Yeah, I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner. Work and the sun and everything…"  
  
"It's okay, you're here now." She sounded genuinely happy that he was there, at ease and the same as always, but different. She looked tired and she smelled… well, different than she used to. But the smell was very familiar.  
  
"Were you at Giles' apartment? No wonder I couldn't find you." She drew in her breath sharply, almost a gasp of surprise. "Buffy, you told everyone you were going to be on patrol."  
  
Buffy breathed a heavy sigh into Angel's chest, "I didn't want them to know where I was, and I wanted to be alone."  
  
"And so you went to Giles' apartment."  
  
"Yeah, not a lot of making-sense there, huh?" She pulled away from him and turned back towards the graveyard.  
  
"Not for the 'alone' aspect of things, no."  
  
"I just needed to be around him, kind of for the same reason that I'm glad you're here, familiarity and safety and stuff…"  
  
"Stuff?" Angel looked at the back of her head and neck, the way her shoulders were hanging; she was tense. Her body language was telling him she was on guard, but he didn't sense any other vamps around, it was a completely still night except for the light breeze that was carrying Buffy's perfume and Giles' cologne… "Listen, Buffy, I can tell when you're hiding something. If you don't want to tell me, that's fine, but don't think I can't smell him all over you."  
  
"So he gave me a hug..." She tried to shrug it off, but she wouldn't look at him, and that told Angel that he was right.  
  
"Is that what they call it now? Buffy, I-I-I…" He was sputtering, unable to speak. Angel was hurt by this revelation; it hit him harder than when he had heard about Riley. Riley was an unknown factor, but Giles was well known to him.  
  
"Angel, stop." He couldn't see that Buffy had tears running down her face, "You don't have any say in this. I am glad you're here, I needed to see you, but I don't need any more grief."  
  
"Buffy, I'm so-…" Buffy cut him off with one hard word.  
  
"Don't. We did this already, and it was painful then," She looked up at him, over her shoulder, her eyes glistening, "I love him and I just want that to be it. It's bad enough you're the first one to find out, I don't need you to lay a guilt trip on me."  
  
"No one else knows?" Angel was surprised. Buffy had managed to keep this from Willow, Xander and Dawn, of all people? Had Joyce known before she had died?  
  
"No, we've all been a little distracted lately." She let out a staggered sob, and Angel was thrown, he had expected a distraught Buffy, but not for this reason, not for Giles, but for Joyce.  
  
"How long have you two been, I don't know, together?"  
  
"Almost two days." Angel couldn't believe it, the very day that Joyce had died, Buffy and Giles had started this tryst.  
  
He sighed and put his hand on her shoulder. "Are you sure this isn't your distraction? Your way of not dealing with your mom being gone?"  
  
"What?" Buffy turned around, and came toward him, "I have done nothing but deal with her being gone! Dawn can't do it, Angel. Why are you being so hard on me? My mom is gone, and you are trying to make the one good thing that has happened to me in months into some dirty, twisted cry for help. Angel, she's gone and I have no one to lean on."  
  
"Buffy, that man loves you and for him it is not about grief. Don't use him to get over your mother's death."  
  
"Don't talk to me that way. You don't' know what this is about, you don't know what I feel for him. Not everything is about me; this is about Giles, too!" She was sobbing, and swaying back and forth as if she was about to lose her balance, "It's about being an adult and being in love and realizing that it doesn't always happen when you're life is perfect! My life is never going to be perfect, Angel, I can't wait anymore."  
  
"But your mom just died, Buffy, it's…"  
  
Buffy practically growled at him, "What? Wrong? Weird? Too close to home?"  
  
"He's your father figure…"  
  
"And you and Riley weren't? Angel, I took psych 101, I dated a psyche major! I have Freud written all over me! The point is that I don't care anymore. I'm tired of waiting and wondering. I don't have to hide myself from Giles. I know what he expects from me."  
  
"Buffy that was different…" He wasn't used to her being this insightful, it was as if she had given up and let go of all those notions of what life was supposed to be. "I just expected to come back and for things to be the same as they were the last time."  
  
"I know," The edge had gone from her voice, "but things are always screwed up, so why does it have to be so hard for us to see each other?"  
  
"Because we were in love, it was good, and we don't feel that way anymore."  
  
"Yeah, I guess that's true." Buffy crossed her arms and looked at the ground. "Thank you for coming, Angel."  
  
"I wouldn't know what else to do." He wrapped her in his arms and gave her a hug. "What time is the funeral tomorrow?"  
  
"It's in the late afternoon. I just want to crawl into bed when it's over."  
  
"Do you want me to stay, walk you home?"  
  
"You don't have to, but I think Dawn might want to see you."  
  
The two friends began walking in the direction of Buffy's home, she with her arms crossed, he with his hands in his pockets and his stuck-up hair making a frightening silhouette on the street.  
  
The sidewalk must have been very interesting, because they both cast their eyes intently at its smooth gray surface.  
  
"Yeah, that's another thing, I went by your house, I was disinvited, and then Xander and this girl wouldn't invite me in."  
  
Buffy looked up from her feet, surprised. "Really? Where was Dawn?"  
  
"Not in the kitchen…"  
  
"Well, that's not surprising, she's been giving herself a lot of space lately. And Anya isn't the most tactful person in the world when it comes to this stuff."  
  
"I don't think anyone is."  
  
"No, I guess you're right." She kicked at invisible pebbles as they walked.  
  
Angel looked over at the girl he used to be so in love with, and he was surprised to see a woman there, "I think you're all going to be okay."  
  
Buffy just kept walking, eyes downcast, a little lost in her own thoughts, then she stopped and looked up at him, "We have to be, or it's all for nothing." 


	9. Before Blue Eyes - Part Nine

It was late, and Rupert Giles found himself alone in his bed, unable to sleep. Buffy had been gone for at least a two hours, and he could still feel her presence in his room. It wasn't the residual scent of her hair on the pillows, it was something else, and it left Rupert disquieted. He felt absolutely out of sorts, the sheets didn't feel right against his skin, his blankets were too heavy, the ticking of the alarm clock too loud and the longer he lay there, the worse the feeling became. The agitation he was feeling finally drove him from his bed and down into his kitchen. He became completely disoriented on his way down the stairs, and had to stop and rest head against the wall twice before he made it to the kitchen.  
  
The kettle on the stove was just beginning to hiss when Rupert thought of a possible source of information regarding his insomnia. He turned off the burner and left his teacup empty, approaching one of the large old steamer trunks in his living room with vague curiosity. It looked like he would be up all night anyway, he thought, what harm can it do?  
  
As he opened the lid and looked in on the trunk's contents, he lifted out a few of the newer books and set them aside, digging deep into the secrets of the Watchers. Rupert mumbled to himself, "The Diaries… I hope it's not bad news …."  
  
-------------  
  
Knowing they had the day to prepare and not enough hands for it all, Buffy went to bed almost immediately to get some sleep. She was tired and the anxiety she felt about this day was making it difficult for her to be around other people. She hoped that Giles would come home soon, and thought of him as she fell asleep.  
  
After sunrise, Joyce Summer's tastefully decorated living room was shrouded by dusty drapes; Dawn and Angel had sat up talking all night and into the morning.  
  
"Angel? Can I ask you something?" Dawn was wrapped in a heavy, dark paisley blanket on the couch in the living room. She had stayed with Angel talking for a bit longer, not wanting to be alone with her thoughts about the day, about her sister.  
  
"Anything, Dawn. Shoot." She probably had questions about death, the afterlife, thinking Angel was some sort of undead death expert; he wasn't prepared for her question.  
  
"What do you think of Mr. Giles?"  
  
"What? Why do you want to know?" Dawn gave him an expectant look, he knew better than to question, "Well, Rupert and I have a complicated relationship… after me killing his girlfriend and torturing him and all, but I really like the guy." He grinned sheepishly, and looked into the little girl's eyes. She was so sad.  
  
Dawn smiled, grateful for Angel's wry answer, "Do you think he'll take good care of Buffy?"  
  
"He always has, I don't see what would be keeping him from it now." Angel could tell that Dawn was fishing for information and he couldn't help but want to tell her what he had discovered last night about Giles and Buffy.  
  
"I don't mean, like, always, I mean like how things are now."  
  
"Dawn, now that you're mother is gone…"  
  
"So, you think they were just waiting for her to leave or die so they could 'get it on'."  
  
"What? Dawn!" Angel jumped off the couch for a moment, Dawn had to pull him back down and quiet him.  
  
Dawn placed her hand over Angel's mouth, "Shh! You'll wake Buffy up! And I don't want her to know that I know, okay?"  
  
"Know what?" From the look on Dawn's face, he could tell it was pointless to play dumb. Nevertheless… in two days? How could Dawn figure it out in two days? "Okay, I know, but how did you figure it out?"  
  
"I talked to Buffy about Giles, but not in this way, and she kind of explained things between them without the sex part. Then I saw them in the hallway, she was hugging him the way she used to hug you, and they seemed in a hurry to stop when I showed up. And I don't know what she told you, but I think she went over there last night. She wasn't dusty from the vamps at all." She took a long dramatic pause, "I don't have any solid proof yet, but the circumstances are pointing to the two of them having an affair."  
  
Angel stared at her, surprised and wide-eyed, "Dawn, you are more intelligent and observant than anyone gives you credit for."  
  
She shrugged, "Thanks."  
  
"How do you feel about them being together?" Angel expected Dawn to have strong feelings about Giles and Buffy being together, possibly negative, so her answer caught him off guard.  
  
"Mostly, I'm worried about how she's going to react to Dad."  
  
"Why? You said the lawyer stuff was all taken care of."  
  
"He called last night and said he wasn't coming. He couldn't make it. His new wife or something." Dawn became very interested in the pattern of the blanket that was covering her, tracing a small swirl repeatedly with her finger. He could tell she was disappointed, and confused, about her father.  
  
"Why didn't you tell her right away, Dawn? She's, she's gonna… I don't know what, but this is going to hit her hard."  
  
"I know, I think she might blame herself. When we called him, she said she wouldn't be surprised if he came for me, but not for her," Dawn sighed, "She knows that he doesn't make her a priority, but what if she thinks I'm lumped in with her now? Like, he'd rather leave me orphaned than see her."  
  
"Dawn, I think Buffy will be fine. But you need to tell her."  
  
The girl rolled her eyes, "Can I wait until after I get some sleep?"  
  
Angel tried to look at her sternly, but he couldn't. He couldn't pretend to be disappointed in her behavior; she was dealing really well with everything.  
  
"Okay. I'm going to crash in the basement, so come get me when the sun goes down."  
  
"Okay, Angel. Thanks for coming." She leaned over and hugged him, Angel closed his eyes, he hadn't been hugged in a long time and he forgot how good it felt to just be there for it.  
  
"No problem, kiddo." She pulled away and grimaced at him, "Sorry, you're not a kid anymore."  
  
She smiled, "That's okay, I'll see you later."  
  
"See ya."  
  
Dawn hauled the blanket off the couch and wandered up the stairs to her room, actually, she probably went to Joyce's room, and Angel walked into the kitchen just in time to catch Rupert Giles coming in the back door.  
  
It was a moment that neither one of them knew how to deal with. Giles had a leather bound book under his arm, a brown bag full of groceries in one hand and the doorknob in the other. His gut reaction was to just back out and close the door, open it again and see if Angel was still there. So, he did, and when he reopened the door, the vampire was still there.  
  
Angel thought of all the things he could do to that man, all the pain he could cause him, and then he thought of all the things he had done to that man and all the pain he had caused him. He felt the fight go out of him. He didn't hate Rupert, he didn't know how to do it and he didn't want Buffy to be a point of contention. He had worked it out with her; he had no issues with Giles.  
  
Giving a halfhearted wave, Angel kind of smiled at the man standing in the doorway. "Hi, Rupert, I'm really here."  
  
Giles sighed and shifted his weight, "I was hoping you were a figment of my imagination."  
  
"Sorry to disappoint you." He could see that Rupert was struggling to find something to say, but Angel needed to sleep and he didn't want to get into it with the man, not to mention he was in this situation with the upper hand, Angel couldn't help but feel a little cocky in this situation. "Listen, Rupert, I know you're probably trying to find a way to tell me something…"  
  
Rupert felt a surge of hostility, he did not need this man's approval, nor was he seeking it. At most, he was looking to avoid a confrontation that would do nothing more than upset Buffy even further. He abruptly cut the vampire off, "About Buffy and I, Angel, please, I am not stupid. I knew if you showed up here, you'd figure it out. I do study vampires and demons for a living. I know about your sensitive sense of smell." Giles walked over to the island in the center of the kitchen and set down his grocery bag. Keeping the book in his hands, he gave Angel a sly, cold look. "I'm sure I don't need to explain anything to you."  
  
Angel looked at him in mild surprise; he was surprised a lot here tonight, "In that case, Rupert, I'll be in the basement sleeping. Have a Nice Day." He spread his arms out, palms open, and backed away towards the basement.  
  
"Good Day, Angel." He set the book down and watched the vamp go down to the basement while he began unloading groceries. It always amazed him when he stood up to people, or creatures, because despite his tough youth Rupert had never really dealt in face-to-face confrontation. He was a perpetrator of victimless crimes like vandalism and raising demons from other realms, but his turn as Buffy's Watcher had changed him; it had given him the ability to deal with people in almost every situation. He loved her for it and he thought of these things while he made her breakfast.  
  
-------------  
  
The breakfast tray was set on the nightstand next to Buffy's bed, the leather-bound volume perched next to it, and they the only two witnesses while Giles studied the Slayer's form as he sat on the bed next to her. He had always tried to fathom how such a small person could be so powerful, but as she lay there sleeping he couldn't help but noticing the scars that covered her body. She was lying on her stomach, her back exposed from nape to small. Cuts, scrapes, and some old scars from stitches formed a map of her life, stretching across her back and her arms. Each one signaling a small defeat or a hard won victory. Most of them looked to be caused by falling against something or being cut quickly, none as severe as the bite mark on her neck or the stab wound on her abdomen, which was still bruised and tender to the touch. He worried about how long it took her to recover from that attack, how she had fought and patrolled regularly after it happened. Her health was so precarious and precious. He dared not consider it too much, lest he become agitated again. He glided his hand across her back, and felt his agitation melt away, just as he expected.  
  
Buffy stirred, she slowly opened one eye, and looked over her shoulder at Giles, "Hey, what time is it?"  
  
"It's about nine thirty. I've made you breakfast." Giles pointed to the tray on the nightstand, Buffy could see that there were pancakes, coffee and orange juice. "If you'd like it."  
  
"Nine-thirty? Wow, six hours of sleep." She yawned and rubbed her eyes, rolled over onto her back and sat up. She leaned over and kissed Rupert, "I would love some delicious pancakes."  
  
Giles carefully handed her the tray and picked up the coffee, "This is for me, but you can have some if you'd like…" Buffy shook her head no as she began attacking the short stack. "So, you were up late last night." He meant it as a question, hoping to get a full answer out of her, but feared that she would keep something from him.  
  
"Yeah, I met Angel while I made my sweep through the cemetery last night. We came back here and he and Dawn stayed up talking all night. Y'know remembering the old days." She smiled at him before she took another bite; Giles took a sip of his coffee. "How about you? Did you sleep well?"  
  
Before he answered, Giles reached over and picked up the book, he could feel Buffy tense up. He heard her fork hit the plate with a clang as she reached over him and set it on the nightstand. He looked at Buffy, her face full of fear and sadness. She swallowed heavily before she spoke.  
  
"Giles, I thought you said you weren't going to research this, you said you just wanted it to be about us."  
  
"That's just it, Buffy, I was going to leave it alone, but last night, after you left, I couldn't sleep…"  
  
She interrupted fiercely, "So you went into research mode? 'Nothing the like a hot cup of tea and The Watcher's Diaries to send little Giles off to Slumberland?' Why couldn't you leave it alone?" Buffy was practically screaming at him, and the tears were starting boil in her eyes.  
  
"Buffy, it's not like that." He reached out to touch her arm, and they were jolted by a shot of energy. "That's what I'm talking about, do you feel it?" Buffy nodded, but the frightened look on her face became more intense, "That is the physical manifestation of our auras becoming attuned. Watchers are like metaphysical tuning forks when it comes to Slayers, I'm like a strange mirror absorbing and then reflecting your energy and when you're gone there's nothing to reflect. It leaves me completely out of sorts."  
  
"Are you okay?" Buffy looked confused, but was following along enough to ask questions, "Why didn't you tell me this before? Why didn't we know about this before?"  
  
Giles felt himself about to stumble, "I knew about the practice of Watchers marrying, or at least having a sexual relationship with, Slayers, but not about the attunement. It was done to guarantee loyalty." Giles realized that Buffy would need a history lesson. A brief one, at least. "The practice of intermarriage was officially eliminated in the 17th Century, but social norms would have put it out of favor eventually. Watchers tended to be older, even older then me, and Slayers even younger, 12 or 13 years old. It was a relationship characterized by the domination of the Watcher over the Slayer."  
  
"Gross. That would be like Dawn and Quentin Travers." A shiver of disgust passed over Buffy. "Why did I just give myself that mental picture?"  
  
Giles made a sour face at Buffy, "I don't know, but thank you for sharing."  
  
Buffy smiled, and shrugged her shoulders, signaling Giles to continue, "The paramount reason for the practice being terminated was that there were rarely children from these unions, and Watchers often committed suicide after the death of their Slayer. No heirs to the Watchers were produced and vast amounts of knowledge were lost. The Watchers faced a shortage in their population and began recruiting outside of the traditional bloodlines. As a result, Watchers became less likely to be sensitive to their Slayers and as the final stroke, unions were absolutely forbidden and consorting with your Slayer grounds for immediate, um, dismissal."  
  
"You mean execution, don't you?" Buffy reached out touched his face, and Giles felt frightened for a moment. "Why didn't you tell me this stuff when we were in intense training mode?"  
  
"It didn't apply to us before." He grasped her hand, "and, well, there was never any real proof of the marriages, just obscure references in some of The Diaries from many, many years ago."  
  
Buffy sighed, "So, you pieced this together last night?"  
  
"No, this is the work of many years of study, but last night, when I couldn't sleep, I felt absolutely agitated and out of sorts. Nothing felt right, I was crawling in my own skin, I felt lost in my own home, and I remembered a passage in one of the older books," He held up the book he had brought with him. "In it, a Watcher mentions the same symptoms, making the vaguest references as to how or why he feels this way." Giles flipped to a marked page, "A rough translation of the Armenian is 'haven't slept, without her here, my belongings feel like the are someone else's. She is gone and my spirit feels trapped inside this body since we touched in the most intimate of …'" Giles coughed, "Well, you get the idea."  
  
"On a sweet note, Giles, you're blushing! And on a not so sweet note, you didn't notice this before?"  
  
"In my defense, he uses nothing but pronouns in the whole damn thing, which is a common practice in Watcher's diaries, but the last time I read this one I was just learning Armenian. I had no idea to whom he was referring. Nevertheless, the intensity of the emotion was exactly as I remembered it. I think my predecessor experienced the very thing I am going through now."  
  
"Not to rain on your parade, but why don't I feel the super-separation anxiety? I didn't have any thing close to the reaction you're describing."  
  
"It's simple, Buffy," Giles smiled, "My aura has probably been attuned to yours in some way since I first became your Watcher, that's what makes me a Watcher, my bloodlines go back for centuries. The intensity of it has increased as our relationship changed. That's why you feel it when we make physical contact; you feel me reflecting your energy back at you."  
  
"So what does it mean?" Buffy wanted Giles to give her a pat, simple answer. She needed one.  
  
"For us, it means a choice. We can continue this relationship or we can let it go. Put it off to you being grief-sick and me a being a lonely old man."  
  
"Giles," Buffy's voice was so quiet and thick with tears that Rupert could barely hear her, "Why… come here? Why say that?"  
  
"Buffy, I love you, but if this attunement makes us inseparable… What kind of life will we have?"  
  
"Rupert, my mommy died," Buffy choked back a sob, "the funeral is today. What kind of life do I have now?"  
  
Buffy paused and took in several shaky breaths, and she looked him in the eye; "I'm just trying to make it to tomorrow. If you're scared, and you want to run away, I can't stop you, but if I'm what you've wanted all of these years, what you've been meant for, aren't you just ruining things for yourself? I don't need this garbage dumped on me today. And least of all from you."  
  
Rupert Giles couldn't help himself; he pulled Buffy to him and held her tightly, "You've never called me Rupert before. I don't know how to react." They both laughed a little.  
  
"Buffy, I'm sorry, I love you and I want to be with you, but my fear...I never thought that I'd be able to recover from losing you and now, with this attunement… I don't know which way is up… I never should have said that. I'm sorry."  
  
He kissed her, and any sadness that he had caused was immediately replaced by overwhelming physical sensations. Buffy began pulling him down onto the bed, with clear intentions.  
  
"I knew it!"  
  
The shrill voice that erupted behind her caused Buffy to whirl around, which in turn caught Giles off balance and sent him crashing to the floor. When Buffy matched the voice to the face, she became livid.  
  
"I knew you guys were sleeping together!" The fourteen-year-old girl had a smug look on her face, which only enraged her sister more.  
  
"Dawn! Get out!" Buffy jumped off the bed and began chasing her out of the room. 


	10. Before Blue Eyes - Part Ten

Buffy and Dawn tore across the hall into Joyce's room and Rupert, with Buffy's robe in hand, was right behind them. Dawn was still joyfully squealing, "I knew it!" as Buffy chased her around and onto Joyce's bed, screaming "Shut up!"  
  
Rupert could see that this was only going to get worse, even if he couldn't exactly see how. "Girls, please stop this…Buffy!"  
  
Buffy froze, and Dawn, reacting to her sister's lack of pursuit remained standing on Joyce's bed.  
  
"Buffy, put this on," Rupert was angry, "Dawn, sit down." He handed Buffy her robe, and sat her down at Joyce's vanity table, with her back to Dawn.  
  
"Dawn, obviously, this is not the way we hoped that you would find out about... this." Rupert paused, which gave Dawn just enough leeway to rattle off a string of questions, "How long has this been going on? When were you going to tell me? When are you going to tell everyone else? Why-"  
  
"Dawn! Be Quiet!" Buffy had turned around and was shooting daggers at her sister.  
  
"Both of you be quiet and remain quiet until I'm finished speaking." Rupert gave the girls withering looks, and he knew that he was guaranteed silence. "Dawn, Buffy and I are still trying to figure out the terms of our relationship."  
  
Dawn raised an eyebrow and Rupert coughed, "Buffy and I haven't had a chance to discuss any kind of announcement; there is too much else going on. Today is certainly out of the question, there is too much going on and with your father's arrival…"  
  
Dawn crossed her arms and pursed her lips, "He's not coming."  
  
Giles sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "Dawn, please, I asked you not to interrupt…"  
  
Buffy jumped out of the chair and walked over to Dawn, "What do you mean he's not coming?"  
  
"He called while you were out last night, " She threw Rupert a dirty look, "And said that he couldn't make it. Business, his new wife, or something. He's not coming, Buffy. He's sending flowers instead."  
  
"Dawn, when were you going to tell me?" Buffy's eyes were getting glassy, and her mouth was starting to drop. She sat down next to Dawn, and took her sister's hand.  
  
Dawn squirmed, "I was going to tell you, I swear! I was just trying to think of a good way to say it." As she saw the reaction on her sister's face, Dawn realized that Angel had been right. Buffy was taking it really hard. "I'm sorry, Buffy."  
  
"It's okay, I mean, same situation here." The girls smiled half-heartedly at one another, "I should have told you sooner, Dawn, and we could have avoided this…" Buffy sighed and squeezed Dawn's hand, "He's only sending flowers instead. Is he retarded?"  
  
Dawn giggled through her tears.  
  
Buffy looked up at Rupert, and saw that his lips were pursed together. That usually meant that he was angry.  
  
"Giles, what's wrong?" Buffy searched his face for some sign of what he could be so angry about.  
  
"It's nothing, Buffy, I think I'm finally starting to figure it out."  
  
"What?" Buffy squeezed Dawn's hand tighter and shifted closer to her sister.  
  
"That your father is an ass."  
  
Dawn just sat staring at Rupert in shock, but Buffy smiled, rolled her eyes and said, "Giles, we know."  
  
She reached out her free hand and gestured for Giles to come and sit on the bed next to her and Dawn, "Come, sit, we need to talk. All three of us."  
  
Rupert sat down gingerly next to Buffy, and blushed slightly when she took his hand. "Now, today is mom's funeral. Everyone is going to be here and out of all of our friends and family, only you," She looked pointedly at Dawn, "and Angel know that Giles and I are together."  
  
Buffy was having a hard time speaking, she was starting to cry, "I'm not ready to say goodbye to Mom, I love her and I'm not ready. But I have to, we have to, Dawn, and Giles and me, well, it's kind of a part of that."  
  
Dawn looked back and forth, and wiped her angry tears away with her free hand. "I don't understand, that's awful, Buffy. Mom's out of the way and you and Giles start groping?"  
  
Rupert cleared his throat and put his hand on Buffy's shoulder. "Dawn, I think what Buffy is saying, is that, for us to say goodbye to Joyce, to really acknowledge that she was gone, forced us to acknowledge how we felt." He looked down at Buffy and as he wiped a few of her tears away, Rupert was again struck by her eyes, and he realized he needed to explain something, "The other night, after we got back to the house, I was looking at a picture of the three of you and I noticed something." Rupert paused, and took a deep breath, "I always thought your mother had blue eyes, but, Buffy, you have blue eyes."  
  
"But you said, that I… that night you said…" Buffy looked at him, confused and hurt. Hadn't it been the shared qualities of mother and daughter that Rupert had found desirable? She didn't know what he was going to say or what he was trying to say.  
  
"Yes, the same eyes, the same sad eyes. I was mistaken in the color, Buffy, because in my mind your mother had blue eyes, always blue eyes." Rupert's voice was getting thick with emotion, he was feeding off Buffy's grief and having trouble composing himself, "I couldn't admit it, couldn't explain to Joyce, how I really felt about you. I gave myself a more acceptable target." Buffy realized, after all this time, but he couldn't say it, not in front of Dawn. She leaned forward and silenced him with gentle kiss.  
  
"It's okay, Giles. We'll be okay." She caressed his cheek and turned to Dawn, "Do you understand now? This goes back years, and brings up stuff neither one of us knows how to handle. We can barely explain it to each other, I don't know how we can explain it to anyone else." Buffy gave Dawn's hand another gentle squeeze, and tried to smile at her, "Dawn, you, me and Giles will always have each other. You can count on us."  
  
"You promise?" Buffy and Rupert nodded at her, and enveloped her in an awkward hug. They all three let themselves cry, and pulled away wiping tears from clothes and faces.  
  
Dawn looked at her sister and Giles, calmed by the loving expressions on both of their faces, she felt ashamed for her behavior that morning. "I'm really sorry about this morning, I didn't mean to upset you, I just couldn't stand not knowing…" Her voice trailed off into a large yawn that caught her by surprise.  
  
Buffy looked at Dawn critically and smoothed her sister's hair, "Dawn, did you get any sleep?"  
  
"Maybe an hour or two. But I'm fine, I don't need much sleep, really, and I'm hungry." She looked at her sister hopefully, but she didn't really expect any leeway, so she was surprised when Giles spoke up.  
  
"Dawn, if you promise to at least try go to sleep, I will bring you breakfast in bed right now."  
  
"You got a deal." Dawn rolled back onto the bed and leaned against the pillows, with an expectant look on her face, so Buffy and Rupert got up and went into the hall.  
  
Buffy looked a little dismayed, "You're probably talking about my pancakes, huh?"  
  
"Yes, well, I'll make you a more, if you like."  
  
"Nah, don't worry about it. Will and Tara are going to be here soon. I'm going to shower, and then I want to talk to you some more about the attunement and other things." She gave Rupert's sleeve a gentle tug and looked up at him. What he had told her that morning, not thirty minutes ago, weighed on her mind. The questions she had could probably not be answered today, but she wanted to reassure Rupert that they were on the same page. Buffy leaned against his chest, and thanked whatever it was that brought this man who was helping her bear the sadness, "Did you mean what you said? About substituting Mom for me?"  
  
Rupert immediately put his hands in his pockets, and coughed, "Buffy, I'm sorry about what I said in there, it was inappropriate, in front of Dawn…"  
  
"Don't be sorry. We're both a couple of seriously damaged people. We needed to admit how complicated it is." Buffy gave a deep sigh; "I think everyone else is going to need to hear it, too."  
  
"I think you deserve a better explanation than the one I've given you. "  
  
"Giles…"  
  
"No, Buffy, everything I've said has been muddled. I'm not sure that I've managed to communicate what I feel… I do love you."  
  
"Giles… Rupert. If you love me, that's all I need to know." She smiled at him, with red-rimmed eyes, and rather than wait for him to say something, she looked up, kissed him quickly, and walked toward the bathroom. "Now, I'm going to take a shower, and you better bring Dawn her breakfast before she starts yelling."  
  
Before Buffy shut the door to the bathroom, she poked her head out and said, "Don't worry, I'll be out in a minute."  
  
Rupert smiled and pulled his hands out of his pockets, looked around the empty hall and mumbled to himself, "Yes, right." He still felt muddled and unsure as he carried the breakfast tray into Dawn, only to find that she had fallen fast asleep.  
  
-------------  
  
The funeral wasn't until very late in the day, but Angel was surprised at how silent the house was above him. It couldn't have been too much past ten, but there should have been the sounds of people moving. Someone was showering. He could hear the water flowing through the pipes.  
  
The Summers' basement wasn't set up as a guest room; it was unfinished, with exposed pipes and conduit. Unpacked boxes were piled awkwardly up against the basement walls. Angel had managed to scrounge some blankets and a sleeping bag on which to lie. He thought that was funny, he had never known the Summers girls to go camping. Nevertheless, maybe they used to.  
  
They had a life before Sunnydale, he reminded himself, a life without slaying or demons or death. Or you, he thought. He had liked Joyce because she had loved Buffy, and had only wanted the best for her, just like him. Even when she told him that he should leave, it was for Buffy. More selfless and honest than he had ever been, Joyce was a constant reminder of the real world in which Buffy lived. That was why she persisted as the Slayer. Her mom, her family, her friends, they were real to Buffy, and he was separate, a part of the slaying. It was like that "Seinfeld" episode, where George Costanza can't let his "worlds" mix, if they did the George they all know would cease to exist. It was like the plumbing and electrical conduit that ran all around him in this basement, it existed in every home, and yet the two could never meet without terrible destruction being released.  
  
What were the consequences of her Watcher crossing over from the slaying world to the real world? There had to be consequences for the Watcher, there were consequences when he tried to cross over, so, what made Giles special? Angel closed his eyes in frustration and tried to sleep, the sound of running water reminding him of places far away.  
  
------------  
  
Buffy let the shower run for a long time before she actually stepped into it. She stared at herself in the mirror, somewhat removed from the process of undressing, she had studied the features of her face, the fair scars that covered her body. She spent a lot of time looking into her own eyes, enacting a sort of self-hypnosis, until all she saw was the black of her own pupils and everything else was a swirling transparency.  
  
Once the mirror fogged over, and her image was a disguised as a soft smudge, Buffy came back to her senses. The air was humid enough to stick to her skin, and Buffy felt her hair starting to get wavy in defiance of the styling products that weighed it down. Dawn had straight hair, but Buffy's hair was naturally as wavy like her mom's was. She pulled a towel out of the linen cupboard and put it on a hook next to the shower.  
  
She sighed and stepped in, testing the water with her hand before she moved under the nozzle. The slick heat of the water loosened her up, Buffy felt the lump rise in her throat, and as one powerful sob wracked through her, she gasped for air. Her own tears were cold compared to the water and she could taste salt. She needed to move, to get ready for the funeral, but all she could do was miss her mom and cry.  
  
Why had she slept with Giles? Wasn't Angel right to be concerned? She did love him, she did find him desirable, but it was just complicating everything. Dawn was right, now that her mom was dead, Buffy and Giles didn't really have anyone to explain themselves to. She didn't want to feel guilty, but that's how she felt, and why did she feel so selfish? She wanted her mom back to lift this guilt, to tell her it would be okay. That everything would be okay. I just want my mom back. I just want her back  
  
Buffy didn't hear the door open, but she felt the cool air from the hall wafting up through the steam, so she opened her eyes and moved out from under the spray, ready to call out when she heard Rupert speak.  
  
"Buffy, do you need anything?" His voice was shaky and urgent, and it traveled to Buffy strangely, echoing off the walls of the hall and back into the bathroom.  
  
"Giles?" She looked around the shower curtain, already knowing that Rupert stood there, she coughed out his name again, "Giles…"  
  
Their eyes met and without hesitation, Rupert entered and crossed to her, touching her face desperately, wiping tears and water from her face, as the spray from the shower mixed with his own tears and got his clothes wet.  
  
"I'm sorry," he whispered and held her tighter, "I never meant to make you feel like this." He had known how she was feeling and come to her. The guilt was overwhelming. She had debilitated Giles and had no privacy. She couldn't look at him, but couldn't pull away.  
  
Another hard sob hit Buffy, Rupert pulled her dripping and naked body to him, lowering their bodies to the bathroom floor, wishing that he could stop this pain. Buffy lay rigid and shaking in his arms, she made horrible choking sounds refusing to let her tears become vocal, no matter how much she wanted to scream. 


	11. Before Blue Eyes - Part Eleven

After Rupert pulled her out of the shower, he held her for a moment, trying to just let her cry. But she had refused to let go while he was there, and he had felt her become angry with him for being there. Rupert realized that Buffy needed him to do more than be there. She needed him to act, even if it was something small and unrelated to the funeral, the death and this thing between them. He grabbed the bath towel from the hook and wrapped it around Buffy, and while she shivered and choked on her sobs, he shut the shower off and filled the bath. He took his tear soaked shirt off, hung it and Buffy's towel up on the hooks and lifted her into the hot water.  
  
"Buffy, I'm sorry that this has happened to you." When she didn't say anything, Rupert tried to continue, "I'm sorry all of this has happened. I never thought… I guess that's just it, I never thought about any of this."  
  
She was somewhere else, listening to something else, and it was frightening her. He couldn't sense it over the noise of his own heartbeat, for suddenly the sound of blood pumping had taken on a very noticeable volume within him, and with it came a feeling of awe. He placed a hand on Buffy's back and flinched at the matching rhythm he found there. She instinctively sat forward and held her knees, not looking at him, just letting the world blur and spill over.  
  
Buffy kept crying, even as Rupert tenderly bathed her and washed her hair. He didn't speak, and neither did she. They didn't have to anymore and it was unbearable. It wasn't mind reading; there were no coherent thoughts, just waves of grief, guilt and love, driven by the identical pounding of their hearts.  
  
As she got out of the tub, he just stared at her a moment, sad and gray, and Buffy could feel him loving her, but she couldn't make it fit within her. She absently took the towel from him and wrapped her hair up in it. She fetched her robe from a hook and put it on.  
  
"Buffy," Rupert said her name like a sigh; "I wish I knew what to say."  
  
She turned to face him as she tied the robe's belt and said, "We need to talk."  
  
He smiled awkwardly at her as he put his arms through the sleeves of his shirt, he knew what she was feeling, and Buffy realized the urgency of what she was about to do, "Of course, we'll talk, after you're dressed…"  
  
"I need to say this now." And to emphasize the point sat on the edge of the tub.  
  
"Buffy, I -" She threw her hands up, and the action silenced him.  
  
"No. Don't. I can't. Giles… I feel so guilty for letting her die and Dawn is right, on some level we were waiting for mom to get out of the way... And this attunement… you can't even let me cry alone in the shower. This isn't what I wanted." Buffy looked at him, her eyes a steely blue.  
  
"Buffy, I love you and, not an hour ago, you told me that was all you needed to know. I can't be the only strong one. I have done nothing but be what you wanted me to be, I thought that I could make you happy."  
  
"Giles, I can't help but feel like this is completely wrong… like we're dancing on her grave. And I don't want this attunement… now our hearts are beating the same…this can't end well."  
  
"And it's wondrous for me, Buffy. When I touch you, I feel like I've found a whole new part of myself, always there and yet undiscovered." He knew she understood the feeling behind the words, she felt it, too, but her words and feelings struck back with an equal force of feeling.  
  
"I, I'm angry that I've lost that barrier. My privacy. And I regret making you vulnerable to me." She looked up at him, and tried not to appear frightened.  
  
Rupert moved forward to her and put his hand on her face, "Nothing has changed… I have always been vulnerable to you, Buffy. You have always been my weakness."  
  
"You're supposed to be the strong one, my Watcher. I can't do what I need to do without you. The old you…I can't lo-, do this the way you do, and just accept these changes."  
  
"I'm sorry Buffy… I didn't realize that this was so much more difficult for you." He had said it more bitterly than he intended, but what did she think? That he was without worry and pain? "I'm going to go home and see if I, I can't find something to reverse this attunement." He turned and felt Buffy's fear rise again, and didn't know if he could leave her.  
  
"Giles," her voice was quiet, "You're not going to stay? You said you'd be here for me today... you said."  
  
"If you wanted someone to shelter you, you're looking in the wrong place, Buffy. And if you want this reversed, we may have to move quickly if we're to succeed at it."  
  
She was getting angry with him now, and he was getting frustrated. "Bloody Hell! I never realized you had this many mood swings, no wonder this is so cocked up." He reached out to her with both hands, "What do you want, Buffy?"  
  
"I want you to take care of me, like always." She was really irritated with him, and what he had said had stung her. Buffy crossed her arms in an attempt to slow their rapid heartbeats and stave off her desire to slap him.  
  
"Take care of you?" Rupert was so angry he didn't realize how close he was to her, until he could feel her breath on his face. The bitter words left his mouth before he could stop them.  
  
"No matter how much you wish it so, I am not here to take care of you. I never was! I am here to prepare you; I am your Watcher. I am not your father." He hissed it and his hot breath carried all the venom and pain of a life spent in futile service.  
  
As quickly as Buffy's fist made contact with the side of Rupert's head, he fell to the bathroom floor. He was being swallowed by feelings of fear, anger, hurt, regret and disappointment that poured in from all over, but before he lost consciousness he heard Buffy say his name ("Giles!") and felt her small hand check for his pulse. His last thought was, "Silly, it's the same as yours…"  
  
------------  
  
Buffy couldn't believe that she had laid him out with one punch. She had expected a fight. She had wanted a fight. She needed it and, instead, she had knocked him out. What he said had struck a painful nerve and she wanted him to feel it, too. But he had, of course he had, because he felt everything she did. This was the second time she had hit him in fear and anger, the first time was after he had gone after Angel on a suicide run. She couldn't lose him, and she had hit him to make him stay.  
  
She had hit him this time because she was angry. She had sent a clear message, and if he could bring himself to do it, he'd leave her for what she'd done to him today.  
  
She was too panicked to do anything, all she could do was sit there in her robe and make sure he was breathing. But it was silly, she could feel his heart beating just the same as hers, but when she had reached for his pulse, Buffy had feared there would be nothing to feel.  
  
Giles usually came-to quickly, but this time it seemed like it was taking too long. She was stroking his hair and whispering his name when his eyes opened. He gasped audibly, and his eyes spun around as he tried to reorient himself.  
  
Rupert tried to focus on the girl that floated above him, but she refused to hold still. His head felt like it was anchored to the floor and he could taste blood, and as the salty mucus began building at the back of his throat, his stomach demanded to be emptied. He managed to launch himself to the edge of the toilet before his breakfast tea and jelly donut made their second (and now unwelcome) appearance that morning. He pressed his forehead against the porcelain in an attempt to make himself still.  
  
A cold, wet washcloth landed on the back of his neck, and he heard Buffy say very quietly, "I'm so sorry." He heard the words, but he didn't feel it. The complete lack of emotion frightened him and made him angry. She didn't care; she didn't even care enough to be annoyed.  
  
Rupert coughed and took a deep breath, "I'm going home now, Buffy." Nevertheless, he didn't get up to leave. There was no reaction from her; he could feel nothing but his own confusion and hurt.  
  
Buffy knelt beside him and he turned his head away. "Buffy, please, leave me alone. I just need a moment, then I'll be on my way."  
  
"Let me help you." Rupert felt her lift his arm over her shoulder and her slide around his back, her small body propping him up and steadying him as he assumed a standing position. She moved him out into the hall and started to steer him towards her room.  
  
"Buffy, I'm going home – I need to go home." He pulled away from her, and fell sharply against the wall.  
  
"You shouldn't go anywhere, you can lie down in my room." She was looking at him intently, fear clouded her eyes, but he couldn't feel anything other than his own confusion.  
  
"No, I'm going to go home and rest, by myself, for awhile." His heartbeat was quickening, and then he realized it was still double, still his and hers. He reached out his hand and placed it on her chest, the rhythm so foreign and familiar.  
  
"Let me take you… You shouldn't be alone." She moved towards him, arms reaching to support him again.  
  
Rupert put his hands up in a defensive position and slid along the wall towards the stairs, "I've been knocked unconscious often enough, I think I can take care of myself. Can you bring me my book?"  
  
The girl stopped moving and began pleading with him, "You don't have to go. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." Their hearts were racing.  
  
"Don't." Rupert said it like a slap; she turned her eyes down and away from him.  
  
"I know you. You have a temper and you meant to hit me. You meant it to hurt..." He paused and she looked up at him, her eyes were glassy, and her lips were quivering but he couldn't feel it, so he didn't stop talking. "What you didn't expect was for me to drop like a sack of potatoes! I can't fight you, Buffy. I'll lose every time."  
  
He slowly walked to the bottom of the stairs, sliding along the wall as he went, more shaken by the fact that the emotional attunement had seemed to disappear than still dizzy from his head trauma. She would have to know, he'd have to tell her. He needed his book, his sanctuary, and then he could think of a way to tell her.  
  
He pulled on the jacket that he had hung on the coat rack over his still unbuttoned shirt and opened the door. He didn't turn to look up at her, instead, he dropped his head and said, "If you could bring me my book, I'll go and then I'll see you at the memorial service."  
  
Buffy began to walk down the stairs reaching after him, "Giles, I -"  
  
"Fine, no book, I'll see you later!" He heard her gallop down the stairs as he moved out the door, and then felt her hand clench too tightly on his forearm. She was being impossible.  
  
"No! Don't leave me, Giles!" Her voice was low and desperate, and her tears flowed freely. He looked into her blue eyes, and felt their heartbeats quicken once more. "Please! Just stay."  
  
"Buffy, I can't stay, I shouldn't stay," She looked at him, uncomprehending. She knew something was wrong but couldn't understand why he wouldn't share it with her.  
  
"What's wrong, Giles? Why… Why can't I feel you?" She was scared. For all of her violence and anger, she was frightened that the link was gone and what its disappearance might mean.  
  
"Don't you understand? It's gone! Whatever the emotional attunement was… after you hit me, it's gone…"  
  
Buffy's mouth moved and her face became twisted, unreadable, moving quickly from laughter to anger and back again when she finally leaned up and kissed Rupert.  
  
Rupert pulled away and looked at her, He moved to go but Buffy's grip on his wrist tightened and she put her other hand on his arm, holding him in firmly place. He gently placed his free hand on her shoulder and looked into her eyes as calmly as possible, "I have to go, Buffy."  
  
"No, our hearts, you have to stay. We have to fix this." The determination on her face told him she meant it, and he wanted to believe that it was right. The problem with that was that without her emotions clouding and influencing his own, he knew staying would be the wrong thing to do. Before she could kiss him again, he managed to pry himself away from her grip.  
  
"We don't know how to fix it, or even if we should… want to. I mean, you said it: 'This can't end well.'"  
  
"No… I did. But I was just upset, with everything… and tired…"  
  
"Yes, which is perhaps why we should let this lie until things have calmed down. In addition, why I should go. Tara and Willow will be arriving any minute, and Xander and Anya will soon follow them. Dawn and Angel are sleeping, but they'll soon be awake. The house will be full of people whose only concern will be the memorial and you. I won't be able to research…"  
  
As if on cue, Willow and Tara shaped shadows appeared in the doorway, quickly followed by voices that sounded just like Willow and Tara uttering a confused and questioning, "Research? What needs research?"  
  
Rupert fumbled awkwardly with his shirt buttons and smoothed his hair, "Ah, yes, well, nothing really… just some unfinished business. Buffy, if you could get my book?"  
  
Buffy stared at him for a moment before realizing what he referred to, and walking upstairs mumbled, "Oh, yeah, sorry, I'll be right back."  
  
Willow and Tara squeezed past Giles into the foyer, carefully avoiding the still partially open and untucked shirtfront.  
  
Tara looked around the living room and casually wandered back the hall towards the kitchen, "Is Dawn up? Has she eaten?"  
  
"No," Rupert said, "She was up all night talking to Angel, he's in the basement." Before Willow could fire off a round of questions, Buffy came downstairs carrying the brown leather book, and gingerly handed it to Giles.  
  
"I get my wish after all," she said it sadly.  
  
"I'll see you tonight, I promise you that, Buffy. I will be there for you." He squeezed her arm once more before walking off the porch and into the sunlight, toward his small apartment.  
  
Buffy stood staring after him, Tara making noise in the kitchen in the background of her thoughts, when Willow spoke.  
  
"Buffy, what was that about? Research? Angel's here? Did you just get out of the shower? And why was Giles' shirt open?"  
  
Without taking her eyes from his retreating form, and without really hearing the question, Buffy answered, "It's Watcher/Slayer stuff."  
  
Willow, eyes widening as she looked back and forth between Giles and Buffy, gasped, "Oh, boy." 


	12. Before Blue Eyes - Part Twelve

Buffy watched Rupert walk away until he was completely out of sight. She listened to his heart beating, the distance not disrupting its volume or rhythm. When she was satisfied that it would remain with her whether she could see him or not, Buffy turned and walked upstairs, still oblivious to Willow's surprised expression.  
  
Willow turned to follow Buffy upstairs, intent on getting answers and asking lots of questions, but Tara's voice beckoned her to the kitchen.  
  
"Willow? Can you come here?"  
  
"Yeah, I'll be right there." She lingered at the foot of the stairs for a moment, but faithful that she would get her explanation soon enough, Willow relented and walked back towards the kitchen. She stood and watched Tara from the kitchen doorway for a moment, thinking about the possibility of Buffy and Giles.  
  
Tara was surveying the refrigerator, and before Willow had even announced her presence or made a noise, Tara was talking to her, "So, did you get any dirt on Buffy and Giles?"  
  
"How do you do that?" Willow walked up behind Tara and wrapped her arms around the curvy blonde's waist and rested her head on the other girl's shoulder.  
  
Tara leaned her head towards Willow's so that their foreheads were touching. "Do what?"  
  
"Know that I'm around without seeing me. Even in a crowded place, you know if I'm there."  
  
"I don't exactly know. I've just always been able to recognize people that way." Tara moved away and shut the door to the refrigerator, she held up a pitcher in offering to Willow, "It looks like Giles dropped off some breakfast stuff this morning. Do you want some orange juice?"  
  
"No, I want some answers." At Tara's confused look, Willow quickly explained herself, "About that whole Buffy/Giles scene that just played out. Was that weird? 'Cause I sensed weirdness."  
  
Turning to get a glass out of the cupboard, Tara considered the earlier scene, "Yeah, that was strange. There was a lot of weird energy there. Their auras were spinning the same way."  
  
Willow leaned forward onto the island, resting her chin in her hands as she watched Tara pour the orange juice into the glass.  
  
"That's what I mean," when Tara smiled at Willow's comment and Willow flustered, "Well, not the auras spinning 'cause that's your thing, but the vibe and the lack of clothes was out of character."  
  
Tara smirked, "Open shirts and robes not standard Watcher/Slayer uniforms?"  
  
Willow hopped up from her slouching position, her eyes sparkling mischievously, "I know, it had that 'morning after' feeling to it. You think there were Buffy/Giles smoochies?"  
  
Surprised, Tara spilled some orange juice, "Willow! Really, I doubt it's like that. I mean, Joyce just died and Mr. Giles and Buffy are close. It's got to be hard enough for them without our speculation about smoochies."  
  
"Oh, you're just as bad as I am." Willow paused and sighed, "So, you're thinking grief, not smoochies?"  
  
"Yeah, well, the energy was strong, whatever it was and it wouldn't be weird for them to be sharing their grief that way. Their auras have always been kinda similar anyway." Tara's face was set very seriously as she wiped up the spilled juice.  
  
Willow looked down at the counter and traced imaginary circles with her finger as a smile crept over her face, "Are you sure it wasn't, like, sexual energy?"  
  
"I don't know, maybe." And with her familiar knowing smile, Tara goosed Willow as she put the orange juice back in the 'fridge.  
  
Somewhat shocked by Tara's grab Willow swatted at her girlfriend.  
  
"Hey guys, how's it going?" Dawn had crept in quietly enough that neither Tara or Willow had noticed her, and she was very aware of what the two witches had been discussing, "So, I guess you guys found out about Buffy and Giles."  
  
Willow tried to play it off, "W-what do you mean, Dawn?"  
  
"It's okay, Willow, I know that they're together. I didn't think they'd have told you so soon, I mean just this morning they were like 'Don't say anything, Dawn, we don't know where this is going.' " Dawn rolled her eyes, "I mean, jeeze, make up your mind all ready!"  
  
Willow practically pounced over the island to be closer to Dawn, "You mean they are, I mean, I thought maybe, but not really and Tara said that their auras were spinning, but…really?  
  
"You mean they didn't say anything to you?" As both Tara and Willow shook their heads, Dawn rolled her eyes and sighed, "Great, I really can't keep a secret. You guys can't tell anyone else."  
  
Tara walked over to join Willow and Dawn, "Well, who else knows, Dawn?"  
  
"You guys, me, Buffy and Giles, obviously, and Angel."  
  
Willow gasped, "Angel? I'm her best friend and she told her ex-boyfriend before she told me?"  
  
Dawn looked sheepishly at Willow, "I think he found out by accident, too."  
  
"Oh, well, feelings less hurt, then. But only Anya and Xander are out of the loop?"  
  
"Yeah, and you can't tell them either, or I'll really catch it from Buffy!" The pleading look on Dawn's face quickly elicited nods of agreement from Willow and Tara.  
  
Willow looked between the others and said, "Can you imagine Xander's reaction? He'll freak!"  
  
Tara half-smiled, "Yeah, but, I don't know… I mean you guys are taking this really well… Not that I wouldn't expect you to, but…"  
  
"But what?" Willow looked at her girlfriend expectantly.  
  
"Well, it is weird, isn't it? I mean, Dawn, your mom just passed away and unless this had been going on a lot longer than we think, m-maybe we all, not just Buffy and Giles, but all of us, are distracting ourselves."  
  
"Tara! Wha- "  
  
"Willow, I'm just trying to bring some perspective. People do weird things in their grief, and we could end up going along just for the sake of dealing with something else and not upsetting anyone more than they already are."  
  
"Tara, Buffy reacting that way I can understand… but Giles? I don't think that he'd do something like that. I don't think he'd use Buffy that way," Willow glanced over at Dawn," And should we really be talking about comfort S-E-X in front of D-A-W-N?"  
  
"I'm fourteen, Willow, not retarded."  
  
An audible gasp came from the dining room, quickly followed by the sound of running on the stairs caused the three young women to take pause, and as realization dawned on them, Willow started to cry. "Oh, no! Buffy! She heard!"  
  
  
  
********  
  
  
  
Buffy stood in front of her closet, not realizing how difficult it was to choose what to wear to a memorial for her mother. Black, while appropriate for mourning, seemed too sad and clichéd. Brown or beige, while neutrals, were too much like dirt and equaled burial, so less thoughts of dirt, the better. Pastels seemed too… pastel. Red,? No. Blue? No. Orange? No… Orange? Since when do I own anything orange? And why am I doing this stupid fashonista thing? How horrible am I?  
  
Crying, Buffy pulled a black tank top and jeans out of her closet and threw them on, along with a pair of sneakers. She'd worry about getting dressed for the memorial later. Walking out into the upstairs hallway, she saw that Dawn had gotten up, and she could hear voices downstairs. As she headed down the stairs, the voices became more distinct and it sounded like Tara was talking, in earnest. As Buffy rounded the corner into the dining room, she could hear the conversation clearly.  
  
"…trying to bring some perspective. People do weird things in their grief, and we could end up going along just for the sake of dealing with something else and trying not to upset anyone more than they already are."  
  
Buffy froze in the dining room, just out of sight of the kitchen, and her skin pricked at the tone of Tara's voice.  
  
"Tara, Buffy reacting that way I can understand… but Giles? I don't think that he'd do something like that. I don't think he'd use Buffy that way," Willow glanced over at Dawn," And should we really be talking about comfort S-E-X in front of D-A-W-N?"  
  
Buffy gasped, and her hand flew up to her mouth, the tears she had just gotten control over came back with ferocity. She turned and ran back upstairs to her room as quickly as she could.  
  
She could hear her friends and sister calling and chasing after her as she slammed her bedroom door. Her heart was racing; she was panicked and she couldn't deal with them right now. She threw open her bedroom window and, for the first time since she had graduated from high school, Buffy snuck out through her bedroom window.  
  
As she ran down the street, she heard Giles' heartbeat matching her own, and immediately changed her direction so that she was headed towards his apartment.  
  
  
  
********  
  
Rupert took an ice pack out of his freezer and placed it along his tender jaw. All of their training had been worth it. Buffy had improved in her fighting posture, she had stopped leading her punches with her shoulder, and so he hadn't seen her strike coming. Not that it would have made a difference either way, because in a heated moment like that his reflexes were no match for hers. Emotions sharpened her senses and dulled his, Rupert sighed. "That's why things are a muddle."  
  
He wandered over to his dining table, sat heavily and cracked open the Watcher's Diary, his eyes squinting over the text while his mind was elsewhere. He would have to figure out what to do about this situation, but somehow didn't feel any motivation. The ever-present thumping sound of her heartbeat hadn't grown any weaker since he had left the Buffy's house and it throbbed in time with his face. He felt like a twisted man, with all his worry placed on his Slayer and no thought of those that had died.  
  
No, not 'those' – 'she' that has died. And 'she' would not approve of my involvement with her daughter. Rupert and Joyce had a mutual respect and affection for the other, precipitated by the other's prioritization of Buffy. They had partnered in Buffy's survival. But it would be foolish for him to pretend she would approve of his becoming romantically involved with Buffy. She deserves a memorial and my absolute respect. He knew what he needed to do to ease his mind.  
  
Rupert sighed, abandoned the timeworn volume and walked over to the breakfast bar. The bottle of scotch was already out, an old-fashioned glass smeared with fingerprints sitting ready beside it. As he tossed the ice pack into the sink, Giles considered the bottle briefly, but knew it was a slippery slope at best and not the safest route for him to take in his grief and confusion. A drunk Watcher was not what Buffy needed, so he would have to wait to take his bender. Instead of pouring himself into the bottle he walked over into the kitchen and pulled out a tarnished silver tea tin from the cabinet above the stove.  
  
Rupert Giles wasn't above partaking now and again, but he hadn't since that night. The dried up, half-smoked joint was tucked inside of the tea tin, just where he had stashed it a little over two years ago. He walked over to his record collection, pulled out an album and carefully slid the record out of the cover and placed it on the turntable. He put the needle onto the record and listened. When had he last listened to this record? The Band Candy incident. That night of irresponsible behavior had been fun.  
  
He sat down on his couch and as he lit the joint and took the first toke, the song he remembered listening to with Joyce came on and he let himself miss her and grieve for her, the tears falling unnoticed as he choked on the pungent smoke. He took another hit, hoping to get as high as he could, as quickly as he could, so that he could rest. He almost immediately began to feel his heart, and heard Buffy's, begin to race. He took a few deep slow breaths to help lessen the effects, but it did no good. As he lifted the joint to his lips for another hit, his door burst open and, surprised, Giles dropped the burning thing in his lap.  
  
"Damn!" Swatting at the now destroyed but still burning joint, Giles leapt up from the couch and turned around. "Buffy?" He saw her tears and ragged breathing, "What's wrong? Has something happened?" She ran past him as he moved to shut the door.  
  
"Giles, they know! They know about us!"  
  
"Who? What?" He walked over to the shaking girl and embraced her. "Buffy, please calm down, tell me: what's happened?"  
  
"Giles, I don't know, I came downstairs and they were all in the kitchen talking about us, they know. They think it's wrong. They think there's something wrong with us!"  
  
Giles felt his world melting; he moved over to the couch and sank heavily, cradling his head in his hands.  
  
"Giles," Buffy sat next to him, "I panicked. I didn't know what else to do, so I came here."  
  
She paused and wrinkled her nose, "What's that smell? Is that pot? Giles, were you smoking pot?"  
  
He sighed, "Yes, I was. To take the edge off."  
  
"Drugs? Giles, I can't believe – "  
  
"Buffy, it was that or the scotch and you know how I am when I drink. Would you prefer I take my bender now or later?"  
  
Scooting closer to him, Buffy put her hand on his thigh, "I'd prefer you didn't take one at all."  
  
He looked into her eyes and realized that it wasn't disappointment or anger there, but sadness and worry. For him, and it moved him deeply. "Oh, Buffy," he took her in his arms, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to worry you."  
  
"I can't help it. Why do you do this to yourself? Can't we share this pain?" She rested her head on his chest.  
  
"Buffy, I want to be able to, I thought you didn't want the bond, that knowing you so closely was too painful for you." Their heartbeats had slowed to a steadier rhythm, and Buffy raised her face to him, her eyes open wide and her lower lip trembling.  
  
"It is painful. But we have to work through it together or it's even more painful alone." Rupert leaned down to still her lips with his own, but stopped short to look at her, more aware than before of the enormity of what they were undertaking.  
  
"Buffy, I won't go any further unless you really want me to. Unless you really want me, unless you really love me."  
  
As Buffy closed her eyes and leaned in to kiss him, she whispered, "How can we go farther than we already have? I'm here."  
  
  
  
  
  
You thought the leaden winter  
  
Would bring you down forever  
  
But you rode upon a steamer  
  
To the violence of the sun  
  
And the colors of the sea  
  
Blind your eyes with trembling mermaids  
  
And you touch the distant beaches  
  
With tales of brave Ulysses  
  
How his naked ears were tortured  
  
By the sirens sweetly singing  
  
For the sparkling waves are calling you  
  
To kiss their white lace legs  
  
And you see your girl's brown body  
  
Dancing through the turquoise  
  
And her footprints make you follow  
  
Where the sky loves the sea  
  
And when your fingers find her  
  
She drowns you in her body  
  
Carving deep blue ripples  
  
In the tissues of your mind  
  
And tiny purple fishes  
  
Run laughing through your fingers  
  
And you want to take her with you  
  
To the hard land of the winter  
  
Her name is Aphrodite  
  
And she rides a crimson shell  
  
And you know you cannot leave her  
  
For you touched the distant sands  
  
With tales of brave Ulysses  
  
How his naked ears were tortured  
  
By the sirens sweetly singing  
  
And tiny purple fishes  
  
Run laughing through your fingers  
  
And you want to take her with you  
  
To the hard land of the winter  
  
"Tales of Brave Ulysses" – Cream 


	13. Before Blue Eyes - Part Thirteen

"Buffy!" Dawn stuck her head outside Buffy's window and tried to see which way she had run, but her sister was already out of sight.  
  
Tara was right behind Dawn, trying to catch a glimpse of the Slayer over her friend's shoulder, "Dawn! Did you see where she went?"  
  
"No, but she probably headed over to Giles. Where else would she go?" Dawn stood staring out of the window, her stomach tied up in knots and her head spinning. She was alone.  
  
Tara looked over at her girlfriend, "Should we call Mr. Giles and let him know she's coming over?"  
  
Dawn turned around and headed for the hallway, "Yes, and make him bring her back here, right now!"  
  
Willow moved in front of Dawn and gingerly touched her arms, "Dawnie, somehow, I don't think that will help things. We'll give her a couple of hours to come back; it'll be about one o'clock then and that gives us a couple of hours before the funeral. If she's not back by then, we call Giles."  
  
"So, what do I do until she gets back? Am I just supposed to wait for her? If I ran away, you'd all be out looking for me; I wouldn't get to take my own time. Why does Buffy?" Dawn ran into her room and slammed the door. As she flung herself on the bed, her only thoughts were of how alone and shutout she had become in the last few days. Buffy had managed to find another relationship to exclude her from, another way to remind her that she wasn't really a part of Buffy's life, but instead an unwelcome burden.  
  
Willow moved to follow Dawn but was stopped short by Tara, "She needs someone to talk to, I should go…"  
  
"No, Willow." Tara stood motionless, shaking her head with a kind of resolve that Willow could only hope to imitate, "She doesn't need someone to talk to, she needs her mom." Willow started crying and Tara held her girl, soothing her the best way she knew how.  
  
She smoothed the hair away from Willow's face, and kissed her gently at first, waiting to see if Willow would respond to this kind of comfort.  
  
Willow pulled away and smiled at Tara, not sure if she would see lust or sadness there but comforted when she saw both swirling in her girlfriend's eyes. Tara turned and locked the door to Buffy's room, sure that she wanted no interruptions or reminders of the real world while she made love to Willow.  
  
  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Dawn lay sobbing on her bed, angry and hurt that neither Tara nor Willow had followed her. Everyone had left her alone. Hadn't Buffy promised her that she wouldn't be alone, that they would get through this together? Buffy had told her lies. Her sister always told the same stupid lies about everything. Dawn counted off all the things Buffy had lied about; She lied about slaying, about Angel, about dying, about me being The Key, about how sick Mom was, and now about Giles and staying a family.  
  
Dawn threw her pillow across the room and groaned, "I'm sick off all of her lies!"  
  
She sat up, determinedly wiping the tears from her face, her mouth set with a grim purpose. Buffy was right, Dawn couldn't keep a secret, but it wasn't natural. It made her feel yucky. Dawn was tired of feeling dirty and lonely with all of her secrets. Opening the drawer of her nightstand, Dawn pulled out her address book and flipped to the "D" section. It was time for the lies to stop, and the first thing was to call her dad and get him here, the best way to do that would be to tell him about Buffy and Giles.  
  
Dawn picked up the phone and dialed, surprised when someone picked up after the first ring and her father's voice came clearly over the line, "Hello, Hank Summers."  
  
"Daddy? It's Dawn."  
  
"Dawn, sweetie, are you okay? Do you need anything?" Hank sounded genuinely concerned, not at all like he had just yesterday, when he had sounded angry and confused by his daughters' news.  
  
"Dad, I need to tell you something …"  
  
"Sure, sweetie. Shoot. But let me ask, how's Buffy? How'd she take it that I couldn't be there?"  
  
"That's just it, what I need to tell you it's about Buffy…"  
  
"Is she okay? She didn't do anything crazy did she?" The panic in Hank's voice reassured Dawn that she was doing the right thing.  
  
"No! I mean, that's kind of what I need to talk to you about, but she didn't try and hurt herself or anything…"  
  
"Dawn, what's going on? Is everything okay?"  
  
"No, Dad, we've been keeping stuff from you for a long time. Secrets, and it's the time for the lies to stop..."  
  
"Dawn, what lies? What are you talking about? Are you okay?" Even though he sounded concerned, her father's interruptions were starting to panic Dawn, she needed him to listen, and more importantly she needed him to believe.  
  
"Dad, you're going to have to stop interrupting me and just listen, and just believe me, and we can sort it out when you get here."  
  
"Dawn, I told you, I can't make it…" Dawn cut him off before he could excuse himself again.  
  
"Dad, you'll come when I finish my story." The silence on the other scared Dawn, so she just launched into her story, and it started five years ago, when Buffy burned down the gym at Hemery High.  
  
  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Hank listened while Dawn, crying and gritting her teeth at times, told him everything that had happened since he and Joyce had divorced and the girls had relocated to Sunnydale. Or when Buffy and Joyce had relocated and Dawn was still a ball of energy. He was shocked and not quite convinced of Dawn's sanity when she finished. Within the hour, he had booked a flight to Sunnydale and confirmed his arrival for that night. If was Dawn having a psychotic break, he needed to be there. But one detail had stuck out as a distinct possibility of truth: Buffy was sleeping with a man who was the same age as he was, who had also slept with Joyce at some point.  
  
And the thought that this man had taken advantage of two of the women in his family disturbed Hank Summers very much.  
  
  
  
* * * * *  
  
  
  
Buffy rolled over and looked across Giles' bedroom loft towards the clock on the nightstand. It was almost one o'clock. She had caught a few hours of sleep and managed to put more this day behind her with as little effort as possible. For a few moments, Buffy lay in Rupert's bed and listened to their heartbeat. It was relaxed, an easy lub-dub sound in the background, and it soothed Buffy. She let out an audible sigh as she stepped out of bed and began dressing, and was surprised to hear Giles' voice come from downstairs.  
  
"So, you're awake, Buffy?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess so." Buffy gathered her discarded black tank top from the stairs and pulled it on as she descended, "What'cha doin' down there, Watcher-mine?"  
  
"Some more research on the attunement." Rupert looked up from the book- covered table and smiled at Buffy as she came over and kissed him hello.  
  
"You mean you're not baking me cookies?" Buffy smiled at Giles' exasperated face, "Find anything?"  
  
"Again, nothing specific, but lots of vague references and descriptions." Rupert removed his glasses and briefly considered his words before sharing his latest theory with Buffy. "I'm beginning to think that the spell we did to defeat Adam might be interfering with the natural progression of this phenomena."  
  
"Explain in Buffy-speak please." Buffy walked into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water as Giles began his explanation.  
  
"Well, from what I've been able to gather, we should be experiencing an emotional bond, a physical bond and a mental bond." He reached out to Buffy and pulled her onto his lap as he pointed out the relevant passages in his research texts even though she couldn't understand the languages they were in, "Empathy, cardiac synchronicity, and telepathy... We've experienced the first two, intermittently, admittedly, and not the third."  
  
"Telepathy?" Buffy remembered her previous telepathy experience and shuddered, and Rupert instinctively held her a little tighter.  
  
"Yes, Buffy. Telepathy."  
  
"Wow."  
  
"That's a succinct way of putting it." Buffy gave him a slight elbow in the ribs for his sarcasm, "I think this bond is unpredictable because of the bonding spell we did with Xander and Willow or even another spell that was cast on either one of us at some earlier date."  
  
Buffy sat sipping her water, her eyes focused on the books that were spread out on the table.  
  
"So, how do we get things normal? Well, not normal, but how do we make this bond work?"  
  
"Do you really want to, Buffy?" She turned to look at him and he held her eyes, "If we reverse the effects of the previous spell, then this bond will become permanent. No spell or action aside from our deaths will end it."  
  
"Rupert, I'm sure. I want this." He studied her face, not surprised to see determination there. Buffy had a mission on her mind and it was he. It made what he was about to say that much harder.  
  
"Buffy, I'm not sure that I do. I couldn't stand it if, someday, you should stop loving me."  
  
"I could never stop loving you…"  
  
"Romantically?" He shushed her and took a deep breath before he continued, "Buffy, I wouldn't want that heartbreak; maybe I'm being selfish, or cautious, but I don't want to make this permanent on a whim."  
  
Buffy got up and paced in front of Rupert. She was obviously considering options and trying to formulate a plan. She turned and faced him as she spoke. "But what if the spell we did with Willow and Xander wears off? Won't the attunement be permanent then?"  
  
"I don't know yet, Buffy, I still need to research those aspects. I'm not even sure if that's the reason the attunement hasn't taken hold yet. I've been the subject of several spells myself. It could be that by strengthening the metaphysical bond with someone else will prevent this bond from becoming permanent."  
  
"If that's the case, there are mucho possibilities."  
  
"Indeed." Giles looked at Buffy, surprised that she met his eyes, he cleared his throat and glanced at his watch, "You should be getting home, don't you think?"  
  
"I thought you could come with me and get ready there." She was pouting and he hadn't even said no to her, "We'll have to come up with a story…"  
  
"I thought you said that everyone knew about us now?"  
  
"I think so." Buffy had no idea if Willow, Tara and Dawn would tell Xander and Anya about their discovery, but she did know how bad they all were at keeping secrets. The thought of everyone sitting in her kitchen discussing her and Giles made her stomach flip.  
  
"Wouldn't making up a story be foolish, then?"  
  
"Well, yeah, I guess. Everything is so screwed up." Buffy set down her water glass and leaned against the dining table, "I just don't know how I'm supposed to act."  
  
"Act however you feel, and everything will be fine. Just act naturally."  
  
"Naturally? You mean like I'm The Vampire Slayer and you're my Watcher and we're experiencing this 'attunement,' which is the result of us…you know." Buffy nodded her head and rolled her eyes as a blush came over her face.  
  
Rupert smiled at her and took her hands, "Buffy, just remember that I am, and always have been, here to support you. You can always rely on me."  
  
  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Buffy and Rupert walked in the front door of a surprisingly quiet Summers' house. Buffy walked into the hall, and called out a hello, and hearing no answer turned to face Giles, "Well, I guess everyone headed over to the funeral home early. Lucky us. Let's go upstairs and get ready."  
  
Rupert looked around, a perplexed look on his face, "I'm surprised they left without you."  
  
"Well, I didn't exactly let them know when I'd be back." Buffy shrugged and began walking up the stairs. Rupert followed, still working through theories about the empty house.  
  
"The service isn't for three more hours, Buffy, maybe they're out looking for you."  
  
"Well, it's not like I can page them, we're more of a signal flare kind of group." Buffy turned and flashed Giles a smile as they stopped at the top of the stairs.  
  
He smiled back and held his garment bag aloft, "Where should I change?"  
  
"Oh, you can take mom's," Buffy's eyes went blank as she corrected herself, "mom's room."  
  
Rupert leaned over and kissed Buffy's cheek, "Very well."  
  
As Giles shut the door to Joyce's room, Buffy turned the handle on her own bedroom door, only to find that it wouldn't open. She tried it again, and she was pretty sure that she hadn't taken the time to shut the door, let alone lock it when she bolted earlier. Frustrated, she put her shoulder into it and forced the door, just in time to see Willow pulling her shirt over her head.  
  
"Hey, Will. In my room. With the door locked." Buffy and Willow both looked at each other expectantly, but Buffy spoke first, "What's up?"  
  
"Oh, nothing's up, just getting dressed."  
  
"That was my plan." Buffy nodded and looked around the room, took a deep breath and jumped in, "Listen, Will, I'm sorry I bolted earlier."  
  
"No, Buffy, you don't have to be sorry, we should be sorry…"  
  
"I just wasn't ready to talk."  
  
Willow moved towards Buffy, while Tara stepped out of the closet, coming into Buffy's view, "You don't have to talk if you don't want to."  
  
Tara avoided meeting Buffy's gaze and blushed when Buffy finally caught it. "Tara, hi."  
  
"Hi, Buffy." All three girls stood about awkwardly, Willow and Tara blushed while Buffy sighed. Finally, Tara made a move for the hall, "Um, I'm gonna go downstairs."  
  
Willow and Buffy continued in silence as they listened to Tara descend the stairs, then Willow started to giggle and roll her eyes, "Yeah, so talking is overrated."  
  
"Definitely." Buffy walks towards closet, "Is Dawn here?"  
  
"She's in her room. I think you should talk to her. She was really upset that you left."  
  
"Well, when isn't she upset with me?" Buffy turned and caught the hurt look on Willow's face. "Sorry, I'll talk to her when I'm finished getting ready."  
  
"Okay, that's good." Willow looked around and started walking out of the room, turning abruptly before she shut the door behind her, "And, Buffy, I know we're not talking about stuff, but if you and Giles are dong what I think you're doing, just be careful and," Willow clapped and got a big smile on her face, "'Yay!'"  
  
"Thanks, Willow." Buffy flashed her a smile, and as Willow shut the door, she reflected on how strange it was to have this non-conversation with her best friend.  
  
Buffy began pulling various clothes out of drawers and sighed when she realized that Xander was the only person out of the loop. One friend down, one to go.  
  
  
  
* * * * *  
  
The ringing of the phone woke Dawn. Hoping that it's her father, Dawn answered in a flash. She somehow managed to pick up before anyone else, which led her to believe that everyone had left her alone in the house. Her disappointment swells when Xander's voice comes over the line.  
  
"Hi, Dawn? It's Xander."  
  
"Hi, Xander. What's up?"  
  
"Well, that's just it, Anya and I can't seem to get going…"  
  
"Everyone's having that problem today. Are you coming over?" Dawn flopped back onto her bed, and looked up at the ceiling.  
  
"We can, but we were thinking of just meeting everyone at the service. Do you need us to come over?"  
  
"No, everything's cool." She wasn't surprised that they weren't coming over. Nobody wanted to be around. "I'll let everyone know we'll see you later."  
  
"Thanks, Dawn. We'll see you later."  
  
"Bye." Dawn hung up the phone and continued staring at the ceiling. Her tummy growled, and she began wishing that someone would breakdown and talk to her just so she could go downstairs and fix a snack.  
  
There was a knock at her bedroom door, and expecting Willow or Tara, or even Buffy, Dawn said, "Come in."  
  
The door opened slowly, revealing Giles's head. "Hello, Dawn. Do you mind if I talk to you for a bit?"  
  
Dawn glanced over and rolled her eyes, "Whatever."  
  
"May I sit?" Giles was pointing at her desk chair, and Dawn nodded.  
  
Giles pulled the chair next to the foot of Dawn's bed, and cleared his throat.  
  
"I'm sorry, Dawn. I owe you more apologies than I can think of."  
  
His apology caught her attention, Dawn sat up and looked at Rupert, "Why are you apologizing to me?'  
  
"Well, for one, you might think that my relationship with Buffy is taking her away from you when you need her most." Giles shrugged, and Dawn wondered if it was possible for someone wearing that much tweed had actually shrugged. "I don't expect forgiveness or sympathy, Dawn. I just want you to know I'm sorry. And that I'm here for you if you need anything."  
  
Dawn rolled her eyes again and couldn't help but smile at him, "I'm not mad at you, you know."  
  
Giles looked surprised at Dawn's announcement, "Just Buffy?"  
  
"Yes. She's always lying and running away and she never has to deal with it. She doesn't care who it hurts."  
  
"Buffy cares very much about you, Dawn. Never doubt that." The earnestness of Giles voice was shaking Dawn's certitude.  
  
"She doesn't act like it." It was the best she could come up with.  
  
"Dawn, you need to start telling her what you need. And Buffy needs to tell you what she needs. I suspect you two will be having a lot of talks in coming weeks."  
  
Giles was right. Buffy wasn't her mom, and Dawn should have known better than to expect Buffy to suddenly become an adult over night. She had expected Buffy to be there for her, but she hadn't been there for Buffy. Dawn had run and tattled on Buffy just like when she was little, and now her dad would punish Buffy, just like Dawn had wanted.  
  
"Giles, I need to tell you something." She paused guiltily, not sure of how to tell him about her transgression of confidence, so she just blurted it out, "I told my dad about you and Buffy."  
  
Giles pulled his glasses off, and sighed. Dawn considered it a good sign that he hadn't started cleaning them, "Dawn, is that why you're father isn't coming?"  
  
"No." Giles was cleaning his glasses now, but Dawn continued, buoyed by the fact he hadn't pinched the bridge of his nose, "I called him today, after Buffy ran away. I told him about her being a Slayer, and everything. He's coming. He'll be here tonight, after the funeral."  
  
"If I may ask." Rupert leaned forward and pinched the bridge of his nose, he didn't see Dawn wincing, "What were you thinking?" He didn't look up at her, if he did, he'd lose his temper.  
  
"I was tired of her lying... she said we'd take care of each other…"  
  
"Dawn, you have complicated matters beyond the telling of it." Rupert took a deep breath and looked at Dawn. She was choking back tears and trying not to cry. He couldn't be angry with her, not after everything she'd been through. It was the same reason that he couldn't stay angry at Buffy: He knew too well what she had suffered, so he gave her lots of room to live. He'd take care of Dawn's mess; he'd mediate between the sisters. It was Hank that he was unsure about. "Don't mention this to Buffy. I'll take care of it. Just get ready for the service."  
  
Giles rose to leave, and as he put the chair back in front of the desk, Dawn came behind him and embraced him as he turned to leave. She released him almost as abruptly, and after they smiled awkwardly at each other Rupert walked into the hall shutting the door behind him.  
  
Rupert walked over to Buffy's door and knocked, pleased when Buffy called out, "Just a minute, Giles!"  
  
She opened the door just enough for her to head to stick out, "What do you need?"  
  
"I need to speak with you about something." He noticed how glassy and red- rimmed her eyes were, "Have you been crying?"  
  
"Yes, but can it wait? I need to talk to Dawn."  
  
"That's what I need to discuss with you. I've just finished speaking to Dawn."  
  
"First, we're 'speaking' and now we're 'discussing.'" Buffy rolled her red- rimmed eyes, "Come in."  
  
Rupert entered and sat down on the edge of Buffy's bed. Buffy was pulling on a beige sweater that matched her pants. "So, what did you and Dawn talk about?"  
  
Buffy walked over to him and grabbed his hands as she stood in front of him. They smiled as they listened to their hearts beating in sync. The sound of their heartbeats began to grow louder and Rupert tried to disengage their hands but neither one of them could loosen the grip. The volume of their heartbeats continued to increase until it became almost deafening, and then they ceased without warning.  
  
The first thought Rupert had was not his own, but it began in his head; the only difference was that it sounded exactly like Buffy. So, this is the telepathy.  
  
No matter what meditation technique he employed, Buffy could skate past it and access his thoughts and he couldn't help but be flooded by the things she was projecting towards him. Suddenly, Buffy stopped.  
  
Buffy began crying, and Rupert pulled her to him.  
  
Buffy, please, it will be okay.  
  
"I can't believe she told Dad about me, about us! It will not be okay!" Buffy looked at him, thoughts pouring out so quickly that Rupert couldn't tell them from the tears that fell from both their eyes.  
  
This telepathy couldn't have happened at a worse time.  
  
Buffy choked on a sob and looked up at Rupert, "Which one of us thought that?" 


	14. Before Blue Eyes - Part Fourteen

Part 14  
  
Dawn had crept downstairs past Buffy's closed bedroom door. Will they ever give it a rest? she thought, it's almost as bad as Riley.  
  
As she stepped into the kitchen, she saw Tara and Willow making sandwiches.  
  
Tara smiled at her, "Hi, Dawn. Do you like peanut butter and jelly or peanut butter and honey?"  
  
"Honey? No thanks, what kind of jelly?"  
  
"Grape."  
  
"I'll take the jelly."  
  
Willow poured Dawn a glass of milk, and sat down on the stool next to her. "So, how're you and Buffy doing?"  
  
Dawn talked over her mouth full of sandwich, "I haven't talked to Buffy, yet. I talked to Giles."  
  
"Really?" Willow's eyebrows went higher on her forehead; Dawn had noticed that Willow's eyebrows only did that in moments of extreme surprise and when she was lying. "What did he say?"  
  
"Not much." Dawn's stomach sank at the thought of what she had done. She hoped that Buffy could forgive her. "Could I just eat my sandwich, please?"  
  
Tare nodded and began cleaning up the bread and sandwich fixings, "Sure, Dawn, whatever you want."  
  
Dawn couldn't help but notice that Willow seemed disappointed with her lack of sharing.  
  
********  
  
They had stopped crying and started breathing regularly again. Giles had refused to give into panic, and had helped Buffy calm down.  
  
Buffy sat on the floor, still holding on to Giles' hands, hypnotized by the whirl of his thoughts. No, she thought, it's not that messy. Buffy's thought hung inside her somewhere, just long enough for it to be glimpsed by Rupert, and then it disappeared back into the network of her mind.  
  
No, I suppose it isn't very messy, not compared to your mind anyway. Giles' noticed that some of Buffy's thoughts were fully formed when he became aware of them, but that others were merely unarticulated impressions, emotions, and notions. If Buffy compared his mind to the ordered chaos of a whirlpool or vortex, all matter swirling in one direction with one destination, he compared hers to a cobweb, all connected with no discernable pattern. He wondered, what did she see in the whirlpool?  
  
Everything, all of you, your family, your friends, your experiences, how feel about everything, and everything you know. It's all there Giles, as clear as day. You're an open book.  
  
I never was before?  
  
You thought you were, didn't you? You thought you had lain yourself open for me to see, but I was too preoccupied with myself. Blind. I still am. But now, you're a part of me, and you're included.  
  
Her awkward phrasing assured Rupert that Buffy and his telepathy had not obliterated their individuality. She was still Buffy and he was still Rupert, even if they had no secrets.  
  
Can we get through the service like this?  
  
I think we can.  
  
Rupert helped Buffy to her feet, and kissed her. The rush of emotion was awesome and indescribable, but Buffy was sure that she had read something somewhere in a romance novel that could explain how she felt. Giles held Buffy for a while, and when he released her from his embrace and finally let go of her hand, the sound of their hearts beating returned to him while his window to her thoughts closed. He was puzzled, but he could feel something else as well, severe irritation.  
  
"Giles?" Buffy looked at him intensely, sighed and spoke, "Okay, so the telepathy has worn off. I wish this attunement would work itself out."  
  
"I think it has, Buffy."  
  
"Wha-" But before Buffy could speak, Giles grabbed her hand and once again had a clear view into her mind.  
  
Understanding crept across Buffy's mind, which had already started to change shape and adapt to keep pace with his own thoughts. He began to see what she meant by a "not that messy."  
  
Why is my mind adapting to yours? Why aren't you getting messier?  
  
I don't know, it is very sensible, though. How unlike you.  
  
From outside, they could hear the sound of car horn, and Dawn calling from downstairs that the car service had arrived to take them to the funeral home.  
  
Rupert smiled and let go of Buffy's hand, "Well, that part of the puzzle has solved itself. Do you think we should get going?"  
  
Rupert solemnly offered his hand to Buffy, "We still need to figure out what to do about your father, your sister and your friends. I think we can make a lot of progress if we hold on to each other."  
  
"Giles, don't you think we should go back to your place and research? Or something? I don't think it's a the best idea for us to go to the service like this."  
  
"Buffy, I know. But I also know that it has to be done and that you'll do it. And I'll be there with you."  
  
"I hate how you're right all of the time." Buffy looked at his hand, took a breath, grasped onto it tightly, and followed him downstairs.  
  
They met Willow, Tara and Dawn at the door, their hands still firmly clasped and they didn't let go of each other until they reached the funeral home and Buffy excused herself and Dawn to the ladies' lounge, where they could talk in private before the service began.  
  
Like all good ladies' lounges, the one at the Sunnydale Funeral Home had a rest area with a couple of lounge couches, mirrors and lots of tissues. Buffy sat Dawn down on one of richly upholstered couches and proceeded to touch up her own make-up in one of the mirrors.  
  
"Dawn, Giles told me that you spoke to Dad."  
  
"I'm sorry, Buffy, really!" Dawn made a move to stand up and go to her sister, but Buffy turned around and caught Dawn in a gaze that froze her.  
  
"Don't get up, Dawn, don't talk. Just listen. Giles and I talked about this the whole way here, and we've got a plan for dealing with this, but it all hinges upon your cooperation."  
  
Dawn simply nodded, even though she was sure that on the ride over no one had uttered a single word, and that Willow hadn't been able to look away from Buffy and Giles' joined hands.  
  
"Okay, Dad is going to show up at home tonight, right?" Dawn nodded again, and Buffy continued, "Well, I won't be there because I'll be on patrol. Giles will be there, and so will you and everyone else. And you'll take your cue from Giles, do you understand? You follow his lead, nothing else."  
  
"Is that all? It seems pretty easy."  
  
"Simple plans usually work the best, Dawn, but it all depends on you. Can we depend on you?"  
  
Buffy was looking right through her, and Dawn realized for the first time, she was being trusted with responsibility. "Yes, Buffy. You can count on me."  
  
Buffy smiled and pulled Dawn into a hug, "Good," Buffy's voice was muffled by Dawn's hair, "Because I need you more than ever, little sister."  
  
They walked back into the lobby together, where Giles was standing with Willow and Tara next to the table with the programs. Buffy immediately went to Giles' side and took his hand, while Dawn picked up one of the programs and looked at it. She hadn't known what Buffy had chosen to put on them, and was surprised that all it said was her mom's name, the date of her birth and death, the date of the service and a tiny poem, which she read quietly to herself:  
  
Safe upon the solid rock the ugly houses stand: Come and see my shining palace built upon the sand!  
  
Giles heard her and smiled, "Edna St. Vincent Millay. I'm surprised that Joyce chose it for this occasion."  
  
Dawn looked up at Giles, "Did she choose it? I thought Buffy made all these decisions."  
  
"If I understand correctly," Giles came over to Dawn and put his hand on her shoulder, "Your mother was very explicit in what she wanted. No viewing, a small graveside service, and 'Second Fig.'"  
  
"'Second Fig?'" Dawn, confused, looked up at Giles.  
  
Giles pointed to the program in her hand, "It's the name of the poem."  
  
Dawn looked over at Buffy and tried to guess at what her sister was thinking. Buffy's eyes were a funny color, not quite blue and not quite green, and she wasn't really looking at anything. The funeral director was walking up to her and Buffy came out of her meditation and turned to speak to him. They finished speaking and the funeral director walked away while Buffy walked over to Dawn and Giles.  
  
"He says that the parlor is ready, we can go in and sit down now."  
  
The three of them headed into the parlor, followed by Tara and Willow but Dawn hesitated at the entrance. Giles continued on and motioned for Tara and Willow to follow him.  
  
Dawn tried to peer into the parlor without actually going in, and Buffy stood with her, waiting for Dawn to be ready to go in. Finally, Dawn asked the question that Buffy had been waiting for.  
  
"Is Mom in there?"  
  
"No, just flowers." Dawn seemed relieved by the answer, but still hesitated to enter, and walked away from the entrance into a little vestibule in the lobby. Buffy followed her.  
  
"Where is Mom?" Buffy wanted to say that she was gone, or in Heaven, or that she didn't know. But Dawn wasn't asking metaphysical questions, she was asking about the body.  
  
"The casket is in the hearse," She couldn't say that her mom was in the hearse, and if she said "the body," Dawn might freak out, "waiting to go to the graveyard when the memorial is over."  
  
Dawn looked at the floor, "Oh. I thought we'd get to see her again." She looked up at Buffy and giggled nervously, "But I'm kind of relieved, too."  
  
Buffy took Dawn's hand and looked her sister in the eye, "Do you think it would be harder if she were in there?"  
  
"I don't know." Dawn started to cry and her voice was thick, "Yes. Maybe."  
  
Buffy pulled Dawn into a hug, "Are you ready to go sit down? People are coming in."  
  
Dawn nodded and followed Buffy into the parlor, but she kept her eyes on the floor so that she didn't have to look at anyone. When they reached the front of the parlor, Buffy guided Dawn to her left, and she felt Tara's hand take her own. "Sit by me, Dawn."  
  
Wordlessly, she sank into the wooden folding chair, still keeping her eyes planted firmly on the ground. There was some kind of non-descript piano music playing. She wondered if her mom had chosen that or if it was something that the funeral home did for everyone. Dawn tried to remember what the program had said about music or who was speaking her mother's memorial, but she couldn't. She could only stare at the floor.  
  
Buffy was sitting on her right, and out of the corner of her eye she could see Giles' arm around Buffy, as Buffy cried silently into a handful of tissues.  
  
"Xander, where are we supposed to sit?" Dawn could feel everyone around her cringe at the sound of Anya's voice, but she felt relaxed. Anya, more than Tara, shared Dawn's disbelief at her mother's death.  
  
"Shh, Anya, we'll sit up front with every. there they are!" Xander and Anya made their way to the front of the room and sat down next to Giles. Dawn broke her gaze at the carpet to look over at Xander and Anya, and both of them smiled and waved at her. She felt herself losing control and her vision got blurry.  
  
Xander had walked up to the very front of the room, to the podium, and was speaking with the funeral director. More and more people were coming in and sitting down behind them. In a matter of minutes, the room had filled.  
  
Suddenly, Xander spoke. To the entire room. Dawn hadn't known that he was speaking. She thought it was going to be some stranger. "Good afternoon, everyone. Thank you for coming. My name is Xander Harris, and it's my honor to speak the memorial for Ms. Joyce Summers. She was brave woman and she fought her battle with cancer and never looked back. I see that braveness in her daughters. I met Joyce because I am a best friend of her daughter Buffy, and Joyce, in many ways was the mom I never really had." Xander choked on the words, but kept going, "She took care of everyone in her life, whether it was a couch to crash on or a cup of cocoa after a rough night, she loved us all for what we were and made us feel special."  
  
Dawn was crying now, and she hadn't had grabbed any tissues or anything. A tap on her shoulder got her attention, and Giles gave her a handkerchief. That made her cry even harder, and she could hear Buffy start to sob, everyone would be looking up here watching them, it was awful being under this microscope. Tara's arms were around her at once, and the soft comfort made her feel safe enough to cry without embarrassment.  
  
"We will all miss Joyce, but as long as we remember how much she loved us and loved life, we can never lose her." Xander broke down and walked to Anya for comfort, while the funeral director informed everyone that the graveside service would begin in one half-hour at Sunnydale's newest cemetery, Shady Pines.  
  
The next thing Dawn knew, they had all been huddled into a limousine and were being escorted through town by her mother's casket, a caravan of cars following them.  
  
********  
  
Angel had been awake for most of the day, digging through the boxes in the Summers' basement. There were photographs of Joyce that must have been twenty years old or more, she was Buffy's age and had her hair feathered like Farrah Fawcett. She was smiling and she was beautiful.  
  
Angel hadn't known Joyce very well. He had only known her through Buffy. She had seemed nice, though. Angel was sorry he hadn't known her better.  
  
He was anxious for the sun to go down. He wanted to see if Buffy was okay. He wanted to go home to LA.  
  
He had heard everyone milling around, heard them talking, heard Buffy run away, and heard Dawn scream for her. He'd had to stay in the basement when he'd wanted to chase after Buffy and find out what the Hell she was doing. But she had come back with him, and there was no point in risking sunlight if he was here.  
  
But she didn't have anything to say to him anymore and he knew it. It broke his heart. She still loved him, like she loved Xander and used to love Giles, and he had seen how that pained him.  
  
It was only a couple of more hours until sundown, then he'd see her and say goodbye, and maybe this goodbye would stick, maybe it would last until her funeral.  
  
*******  
  
The graveside service was short. It was a simple internment, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, so are the day of our lives. People milled around, giving their condolences, and the crowd thinned out pretty quickly. Xander and Anya left quickly, unsure of where they needed to be, and Buffy didn't really seem too concerned if they stayed or left. Dawn hung back with Tara and Willow, but Buffy stood at the very edge of grave, staring down into it as if seeing her mother's burial close-up would somehow hasten her grieving.  
  
Giles stood apart from them all, which surprised Dawn. She thought he would be by her side like he had been at the memorial, but he stood at least ten feet away from them all and looked off into the distance, like he was waiting for someone to come over the horizon.  
  
As the sun sank lower in the sky, Giles walked over to Buffy and took her hand. They didn't look at each other, but Buffy didn't pull away at all, and after a few seconds, Giles let go of her hand and walked over to where Dawn, Tara and Willow were standing.  
  
Giles pointed at the setting sun as he walked towards them, "I think it may be time for us to get home."  
  
Willow looked at each of them, "What about Buffy?"  
  
Dawn remembered what Buffy had told her about following Giles' lead, "She'll be fine. She wants to patrol tonight."  
  
Willow looked unsure but followed them all to the waiting limousine.  
  
The sun had gone down completely by the time they arrived at the Summers' house, and Dawn ran inside to see if her father had arrived yet, but the house was quiet. There was a note on the coffee table with Dawn's name written on it. She read it slowly then handed it off to Giles.  
  
Willow's curiosity got the better of her and she asked him what it said.  
  
"It's from Angel. He's gone to say goodbye to Buffy, then he'll to head back to Los Angeles."  
  
Willow looked around uncomfortably, while Dawn flopped onto the couch. Giles sat down heavily in the armchair and Tara hovered at the periphery.  
  
"Is anyone hungry? I'll make some dinner if you're hungry."  
  
"Excellent idea, Tara," Giles got up and walked into the kitchen, "I think we could all use some food."  
  
********  
  
Buffy did a roundhouse kick and knocked the vampire back a good ten feet. Angel had forgotten how strong she was, and suspected that she was getting stronger. She reached down to help him up and couldn't help but comment, "I seem to remember you being a better sparring partner."  
  
"And I seem to remember that you used to pull your punches." He grunted as he got up, his ribs were feeling a little tender.  
  
"It's funny what love makes a girl do." Buffy was already walking a good five feet ahead of him; she had been antsy all night. Buffy had been up for sparring in-between each kill; it was something he'd never seen her do before. She turned and looked at him, "Angel?"  
  
He stopped walking towards her, not sure if she meant to talk to him or kick his ass again, "Yeah?"  
  
She paused, and looked around awkwardly, "I know I said it before, but, really, thanks for coming. You being here really helps."  
  
Angel cocked his head to one side and squinted at her, "Does it really?"  
  
"Yes. Believe it or not, it takes me back to a simpler time." Buffy chuckled at what she had just said, but it was a sad little laugh, and it made Angel pity her situation.  
  
"I could stay."  
  
Buffy knew he was trying to be helpful, but knew that he didn't understand what she really meant by a simpler time, "I wish you could."  
  
"You're right, I can't. But we can kill some evil for old times sake, right?"  
  
"Always." She smiled at him and walked ahead some more, "I think I saw some vampire activity over there."  
  
Angel followed Buffy obediently, like a puppy, until midnight, when he left for LA. They had dusted fifteen vampires and had avoided talking about her mom for the entire evening, Angel felt his work was done and done well.  
  
He hoped that Buffy made it home all right that night.  
  
*********  
  
The taxi pulled up in front of the house on Revello Drive and extruded one passenger with one bag.  
  
Hank Summers slammed the door of the car and walked cautiously up to the house. He saw only one light on downstairs and hoped that he would find everything, as it should be, his daughters safe, sound and sane. Hank tried the front door and found that it was unlocked, and shook his head. Didn't they know that it was dangerous to leave the door unlocked at night?  
  
He stepped into the entry way and heard voices coming from the back of the house, so he called out, "Hello?" Dawn came running out to greet him, which pleased him very much.  
  
"Dawn! Are you here by yourself? Where's Buffy?"  
  
"Buffy's not here, she's, uh, out with an old friend, " Behind her three other figures appeared, Dawn immediately began to introduce them, "This is Tara, Willow and Mr. Giles."  
  
Hank chose to ignore them for a moment, and concentrated on his daughter, "Dawn, are you okay?"  
  
Dawn nodded, "I'm fine, Dad, we were just eating dinner. Do you want some spaghetti?"  
  
"No, I've eaten." Hank chose to look at Rupert then, and felt himself getting angry, "Dawn, if you wouldn't mind excusing us for a moment? I think I need to speak to Mr. Giles alone."  
  
Dawn looked over at Giles, but he gave no outward signal of what she was supposed to do, he just met her father's gaze, so she followed Tara and Willow into the kitchen without protest. "So, you're the famous Mr. Giles." Hank studied the man in front of him. He was taller than expected, and older, clean-shaven and well dressed, and somber. This wasn't the Lothario he had pictured.  
  
"I don't think we've been properly introduced, Mr. Summers." Giles put out his hand in greeting, but Hank turned and walked into the living room. Giles took a breath and put his hands in his pockets and followed Hank. "Please, call me Rupert."  
  
Hank walked over to the fireplace and stood with his back to Rupert. "I think Mr. Giles is just fine for now."  
  
Rupert sighed and sat on the couch, "Very well."  
  
Hank studies the photos on the mantel and the painting that hung above them, "I'm not sure if you're aware of the phone call I received from Dawn earlier today."  
  
"Yes." Giles took off his glasses resisted the urge to clean them or rub his eyes.  
  
"And you know what she told me?"  
  
Rupert looked up and was surprised to see Hank looking at him. He met the look with one of equal curiosity and hostility, "Yes."  
  
"Well, is it true? Did you sleep with Joyce?" Hank walked over and sat down on the opposite end of the couch, "Are you sleeping with Buffy?"  
  
Giles didn't answer Hank, but asked a question of his own, "Is that it? Dawn told you nothing else?"  
  
"She also told me that Buffy hunts vampires and that you're her guide of some kind, and that those two girls are witches." Hank shook his head. "I believe that Dawn is having a grief induced psychotic break, and that despite that she managed to tell me that you're carrying on some kind of affair with my daughter."  
  
"Please, let me explain."  
  
"Explain what? That you're preying on my family? How can you explain that?"  
  
"Mr. Summers, my encounter with Joyce was chance. Unintended and unforgettable. I miss her; she was great ally of Buffy's. and a brave, kind soul." Giles had small smile on his face, and rather than anger Hank, it calmed him. "I seriously doubt, however, that anyone could make Joyce do something that she did not all ready intend to do. It is a trait that she passed onto Buffy and Dawn. These Summers women are not helpless and I'm afraid that we all have you to thank for that."  
  
"Me?" But Hank knew what Rupert intended to say and that he would be right.  
  
"You were the absent husband and father." Giles looked at Buffy's father and sighed. This discussion felt pointless to him. "They are very self- reliant, Buffy more so than Dawn. But, you see, it is the nature of her work. I used to think that in order to survive she mustn't rely on anyone else. But I was wrong. She relies on us for some semblance of normality. For love."  
  
Giles rose from his seat, and walked over to Hank, who sat dumbfounded. "Now, I'm leaving. Buffy will probably be home a little after midnight. I'm going to say goodbye to Dawn, whom I suggest you speak with, at length, before Buffy gets back. Everything she told you is true."  
  
Giles shook his hand, "It was good to meet you Mr. Summers. I hope we can speak again before you leave."  
  
Hank watched Mr. Giles pick his coat from the rack by the front door and walk out of sight towards what must have been the kitchen.  
  
Rupert already had his coat on when he walked into the kitchen. The three girls waiting in the kitchen looked up at him as he entered, and Dawn approached him, "Is everything okay?"  
  
"I don't know, Dawn, but the important thing is that none of us get angry and that we're completely honest." Giles held her by the shoulders and looked into eyes, "Do you understand?"  
  
"Yes, I understand."  
  
"Willow, Tara, I know it's asking a lot, but if you'd stay here tonight."  
  
"Sure, Giles. Absolutely."  
  
"Tell Buffy, I." He looked at their faces, so expectant and curious, "I'll be at home if she needs anything."  
  
Rupert felt anxious on his walk home, no doubt compounded by Buffy's anxiety at seeing her father. Their joined heartbeat had been a comforting background noise throughout the evening, and while a general melancholy had hung over him, Rupert couldn't help but be happy. He could hardly believe the events of the day, the telepathy had proven to be an asset almost immediately, rather than the hindrance he had feared it would be. It had allowed them to plan, to give each other support and to become certain of their choice. Their certitude had surprised him. After years of tentatively showing his love, attempting to tell her how he felt, Buffy had seen him and accepted what he was, not grudgingly, but completely, and he felt joy in his love.  
  
He couldn't help but hum on his walk home, even though he knew hours of research lay ahead him. Buffy had seemed satisfied that the attunement had, in fact, been completed, but Rupert felt that they were still operating blindly and he needed more information before he could truly be comfortable with his new situation, and now Buffy understood why he needed to have all that information available to him. His knowledge was his security, just like Slayer-strength was hers.  
  
*********  
  
Dawn walked into the living room, she held two mugs of hot cocoa in her hands and as she reached the couch, she offered one to her father. She was a bit surprised that he took it. She settled into the couch next to her dad, he put his arm around her and she nestled her head into his shoulder.  
  
Hank took a sip of the cocoa and looked down at Dawn, "How are you holding up, kiddo?"  
  
"Okay. It's still sinking in." Her voice was tired and she missed her mom, but the more tired she was the harder it was to stay sad. "So, do you think I'm crazy?"  
  
"I think you've had a rough time lately." Hank gave her a squeeze and kissed her on the top of her head.  
  
"It's all true, you know. Everything I told you. I didn't make up any of it." Dawn needed him to believe her, as surely as she had needed him to come to Sunnydale.  
  
"That's what Mr. Giles said." Hank took a deep breath and set down his cocoa, "Listen, Dawn, I don't know what to think. I came here with every intention of knocking that Mr. Giles so far out of here, he'd think Pluto was home. But he said some things, in a very non sequitur sort of way, that made it hard for me to beat him senseless."  
  
"He really loves Buffy. He takes care of her." Dawn paused and then said shakily, "He takes care of all of us."  
  
"Well, it's nice to know that someone does. I know I haven't been here for you, Dawn, and I'm sorry. I'd like for it to be different."  
  
"You've said that before and we never see you. You didn't even tell us when you moved last time."  
  
Dawn realized that Hank was crying, his breathing was ragged and he sobbed, "I'm a horrible father. I just can't believe she's really gone."  
  
"But you came here, now." She put her arms around her dad and tried not to cry too hard with him.  
  
"I wasn't going to. I really wasn't. I was going to let you and Buffy deal with it alone."  
  
"What changed?" Dawn pulled away from him and wiped her nose on her sleeve, something she hadn't done since she was little.  
  
Hank sat in silence for a minute, and tried to gain some composure. He looked at Dawn and couldn't help himself, "Does she really kill vampires?"  
  
"She does, but she can tell you about it." Dawn knew that he wouldn't let her off that easy.  
  
"I think you're supposed to tell me this stuff."  
  
"Yeah, well, what do you want to know?"  
  
"How?" Hank grabbed his cocoa and got up, and he paced around the room, "And why? Why Mr. Giles?"  
  
Dawn drank her cocoa, thinking of the best way to answer her father. "Well, we don't know exactly why or how, just that 'into every generation A Slayer is born.'"  
  
Hank listened to Dawn recount the legend of The Slayer, the story of The Watchers Council and the true history of the world and the demons that ruled it before humans were a step on the evolutionary ladder. 


	15. Before Blue Eyes Part Fifteen

Hank looked down into his now cold-cup of cocoa and realized how late it was. Dawn had answered all of his questions with ease and Hank was getting tired enough that he was starting to believe them. His oldest girl was The Slayer and his baby was a mystical Key.  
  
Dawn yawned and rubbed her eyes, "So, do you have anymore questions?"  
  
"Just tell me if I've got it straight: The monsters under the bed are all real and they wanted to eat me for dinner."  
  
"That's pretty much the deal, yeah."  
  
"I'm very tired."  
  
"Do you want some more cocoa? Or we can make up a bed for you on the couch."  
  
"Do you think Buffy will be home tonight?"  
  
Dawn looked at the clock and considered the time briefly, "I doubt it. If she's not home by now, it usually means she's pulling an all-nighter. Or she's at Giles'." The look on Hank's face at the mention of Mr. Giles made Dawn wince, "Sorry. Do you want me to make up the couch?"  
  
"Maybe I should get a hotel. have Buffy call me in the morning, or whenever she's ready to talk. It looks like I'm going to have to fit into her schedule while I'm here."  
  
"You can stay, y'know. I live here, too, and I want you to stay."  
  
"I know, sweetie, but I think I'd prefer to see Buffy in neutral territory at this point."  
  
"Well, I can call you a cab. Or call the hotel."  
  
Hank got up and headed into the hall, "Nah, I saw a place just a few blocks away, I can walk."  
  
Dawn gave him a look of incredulity, "Dad, it's dark out. Are you sure you wanna walk?"  
  
Hank paused as he reached for his coat, "Oh, vampires. right. Well, I think I'll take the cab then."  
  
While Dawn pulled out the phone book and called for a taxi, Hank looked at the photos in the hall, the pictures of his girls all together. He recognized some of the pictures; he had been behind the camera for them. To think that Dawn had not actually been there for them made him sad, she had always been his girl, more than Buffy.  
  
"Well, the cab will be here in about ten minutes, they'll honk."  
  
"Do you think it will be safe if I wait just outside? I could use the fresh air."  
  
"Hold on just one minute." Dawn ran into the dining room and rummaged through a drawer, holding something in her hands.  
  
Before he even had his coat on, Dawn had pressed a large cross and a vial of water into his hands. Tucking the implements into his coat pocket, Hank smiled and kissed her good night as he picked up his small suitcase and walked out the front door.  
  
Just as Hank stepped out of the door, he felt something hit him on the back of the head. He dropped his suitcase and turned around. "Ow. What."  
  
Hank ran his hand through his hair and it felt wet, and as he looked at his blood-covered hand another blow to the head knocked him out and he crumpled down the stairs and onto the front walk.  
  
********  
  
Buffy slowly opened the door and peered into the dim light of Giles' apartment. The light next to the couch was on and as she walked in and closed the door behind her, Buffy could see that he had fallen asleep on couch with a book on his chest and his glasses still on, Rupert hadn't bothered to change out of his suit and his shirt was severely rumpled. Buffy removed his glasses and the book and reached down to stroke his brow. Upon contact, Buffy was assaulted with images from Giles' subconscious: pastoral countryside, a delicate tea cup shattering against a stone floor, the library, Olivia smiling at him, Jenny smiling at him, Joyce yelling at him, Buffy yelling at him, then an image of herself crying, a man spread open and eviscerated on a kitchen table, then a younger version of herself crying and yelling at him. Buffy pulled away her hand to stop the flow of images and Giles eyes popped open. He sat up and reached for his glasses.  
  
"Buffy? Is everything all right?"  
  
"Fine. I just, I think I saw your dreams... I shouldn't have, I just didn't even think about touching you."  
  
"Come here," Buffy sat next him and Giles put his arms around her, careful not to make skin-to-skin contact, "How are you? How was patrol? Have you been home yet?"  
  
"Hold my hand and find out?" Buffy cautiously held out her hand to Giles, and in one of the only quiet moments they had shared in the last few days, Rupert didn't take Buffy's hand, but picked up one of his books from the table.  
  
"I'd rather not, if you don't mind. I'm feeling a bit drained in that respect. I'd prefer a talk."  
  
Buffy got up and began pacing the room, "I'm fine, really. Patrol was fine; Angel and I dusted 15 or so vamps. We got some sparring in, too, but I figured it was early enough to come see you before I went home. I didn't mean to wake you up."  
  
"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't glad you stopped by, but you should really have gone straight home to see about Dawn and your father."  
  
"Please don't scold me. I needed to see you."  
  
"And I'm glad you came, but really, Buffy. I don't have any new information to offer on the attunement."  
  
"But Giles. Rupert." But he wouldn't let her finish, sleep still clouded his thoughts, and his dreams had reminded of what his place in Buffy's life had been, and should never have become.  
  
"You [I]can[/I] stay, if you like." Looking up at Buffy, Rupert immediately realized that he had said the wrong thing. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have."  
  
"So, why did you?" Buffy had squared her shoulders and she was giving him a cold stare. Rupert met it as he rose from his seat and walked over to her and gathered her face in his hands. He reached through the attunement, the swirl of thoughts and emotions, to say the thing that he had meant:  
  
"I love you. You don't need my permission to stay."  
  
Tears welled in Buffy's eyes, and she pulled Rupert's hands away from her face so that she could bury herself in his arms. As they stood there together, Giles gently stroked her back, hoping to offer some comfort, but the attunement told him that Buffy was beyond consoling. Her thoughts were unintelligible, overridden by fear and grief.  
  
Buffy looked up at him, and in a voice stronger than she felt, said, "We put her in the ground, Giles. Don't [I]ever[/I] put me in the ground."  
  
"I won't. I promise."  
  
Buffy pulled him to her and kissed him, determined to feel anything but her grief. Understanding her intentions, Rupert moved toward the stairs but Buffy held him to her and uttered one clear word, "Here," and began undressing him. Buffy made desperate love to him that night, until she was numb in body and soul, all thoughts of her family pushed from her mind by exhaustion and ecstasy.  
  
********  
  
As Hank regained consciousness, he found himself tied to a chair, in a mostly non-descript, darkened room. His head hurt, and he could still feel some wetness on the back of his head and neck. If that blood hasn't dried, he supposed, it meant he hadn't been out that long.  
  
Hank couldn't see a door, which made him guess that it was behind him, and the only window he could see was covered with thick red drapes. As he tried to twist around, the most hideous face he had ever seen popped in front of his own.  
  
Hank screamed.  
  
"He's awake, Most Creamy-Skinned One." The hideous face disappeared behind him, and Hank started to cry. He closed his eyes and thought of Dawn, and he hoped that she had really been telling the truth about Buffy.  
  
"Now, now, Watcher, screaming and crying won't get us anywhere." It was a woman's voice, clear and lilting. "But if you tell me where my key is, I'll kill you quick, I promise."  
  
He felt her grab his face, squeezing the soft flesh of his cheeks into his teeth. He tasted the blood before he felt it fill his mouth. She leaned into his ear and whispered, "C'mon, Watcher, tell me where to find my key. This isn't even the most painful thing I can do to you."  
  
Hank struggled to open his eyes, and when he did he looked into a beautiful woman's face. She let go of him and stepped back as he tried to speak. Blood dribbled from his mouth; Hank took a breath through his nose, and tried to steady his breathing so that he could speak, "Please don't kill me. I'm not w-w-watcher."  
  
"Don't lie to me! Tell me where my key is!" The woman was visibly agitated, Hank didn't see the blow coming, but he was sure his nose was broken. His chest felt warm and wet, the blood from his nose and mouth was soaking his shirt.  
  
Hank felt sleepy, and his head dropped to his chest, but a terrible pain in his leg momentarily caused him to rear up and groan. Before he completely lost consciousness, Hank heard the woman say, "Damn it! I was just getting started!"  
  
********  
  
Giles and Buffy pulled up to her house in his red BMW. The both got out and began walking up to the house.  
  
Buffy noticed the suitcase sitting on the front porch and gestured to it, "Are they kicking me out?"  
  
Rupert looked at her, "What? Is that some sort of custom that I haven't been exposed to?"  
  
"Not that I know of." Buffy shrugged and opened the door, "Hey, Dawn? You here?"  
  
"Buffy!" Dawn came running in from the kitchen and hugged her sister tightly.  
  
Buffy looked over Dawn towards the kitchen, "Where's Dad?"  
  
"Oh, he stayed at a hotel last night."  
  
"Dawn, is that his suitcase?"  
  
A look of recognition, then fear spread over Dawn's face, "Oh, no."  
  
"Dawn, did you tell him everything?" Buffy grabbed her sister and shook her, "Dawn?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Buffy turned to Giles and spoke, "We have to find him."  
  
Rupert prepared to speak, but Buffy cut him off, well aware of what he would say, that they didn't know where to begin, or if Glory actually had him. All the reassuring things he had to say to keep her calm and confident.  
  
"Giles, what if Glory has him? She could already be on her way now. Take Dawn to your house, call everyone and get them over there. Tell them what's happened."  
  
Dawn, still shocked, choked out the question Giles was thinking, "Where are you going?"  
  
"To find Dad." Buffy was already walking out the front door, but Giles caught her arm.  
  
"Where are you going to start?"  
  
"Where I stopped that snake thingy. I'll just spiral out from there."  
  
"Please, be careful." He wanted to tell her that he loved her, but Dawn's presence embarrassed him.  
  
"I will. I'll be back soon, with Dad." Buffy ran out the door and up the street while Giles and Dawn walked out to his car.  
  
"Do you think she'll find him?" Dawn wasn't crying, but she was obviously scared. Giles touched her shoulder reassuringly and then opened the door for Dawn to get into the car.  
  
"I don't doubt it. She'll keep you safe, Dawn." As he shut the car door, Giles realized that he had no doubt that Buffy would keep Dawn safe, but he wasn't as certain that she would find Hank and bring him back safely.  
  
********  
  
Hot tears ran down Buffy's face, and the air burned her lungs, but she kept going. If she lost her father, it would be painful, but not nearly as much as if his death cost her Dawn as well.  
  
[red2][I]CONTINUING[/I][/red2] 


End file.
